Misti's Journey

Congratulations to Misti and her IPs, Sean and Karin. What an amazing journey for all of you and I am so blessed to have been able to watch it unfold. I'm sorry this has taken me so long to make (babies were born in the end of June), but I hope you enjoy it.

17 weeks already

This surrogacy is seeming harder to blog than the last.  Mostly because I have been really busy, feeling tired still and not feeling good for the majority of the pregnancy till now.  Hopefully now with life slowing down a bit I can get back into it but I won't make any promises and I'll let go of the guilt I feel of not keeping up like I feel I should. 

So, since the 9 week appointment we have been moving right along with an uneventful pregnancy, which has been so nice.  The belly has been growing at lightening speed I feel but that just means the little jelly bean is growing big and strong.  We have had 2 ultrasounds and it has been so fun to watch this little one grow and start looking like a baby.  Our full anatomy scan is this coming Thursday and we are so excited for this one.  Hoping to get a lot of good pictures to share from that one. 

I started feeling the baby move right around 15 weeks and it has been so fun to feel the movement get stronger and more frequent each day.  I am going to just try and slow down and enjoy this time since it may be my last.  Pregnancy goes so fast and it is easy to wish the time away especially since I want G and K to hold their baby so badly.  That time will come soon enough so until then I will enjoy my time with the jelly bean. 

Other than that we have just been busy with everyday life.  I made the choice to step up and coach the boys' soccer team.  That was a lesson I only need to be taught once and I'm so grateful our season is over.  Thanksgiving was so nice and relaxing spending time at my parents' house with my family and then going to Travis' grandparents' house and seeing all of them.  Now I'm in the process of planning Sawyer's birthday party and then Christmas.  After that we should have a little break, although I love all the celebrations this time of year.  It makes me happy and I love all the traditions we have started and continue each year. 

I hope everyone else had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy a blessed Holiday season.

11 weeks

14 weeks

Happy Thanksgiving!!

9 week appointment

Friday marked 9 weeks for us and our first appointment with my ob doctor.  We didn't have plans for an ultrasound but we thought if we put on our puppy dog sad faces he might agree just so we could see how the twinkies were doing.

My doctor is seriously the best.  He offered to try the Doppler to see if we could hear heartbeats first but we were skeptical since they were still so little.  He couldn't hear them so he caved and offer to do an ultrasound for us in the office even though he doesn't do them and his tech was out of the office.  I was so excited to see them.

We went into the ultrasound room and he did the external ultrasound first and found 1 beautiful healthy baby right away.  Then he looked for the other one and we saw the sack but he couldn't get a great picture because baby was kind of far back.  I told him I didn't mind doing an internal just so we could make sure everything was fine.  He did the internal and there was Baby A hogging up the screen.  Then he looked around for Baby B and he found a smaller sac and couldn't really see baby all that well.  He wanted me to go have a high resolution ultrasound at an imaging facility.  We were able to get one scheduled for 2:30.

We left the office and I broke down.  I knew what that meant but tried to hold out hope that maybe baby was just in a weird position.

I called Travis and he came to the ultrasound.  They performed the ultrasound and we saw Baby A measuring 9 weeks and 1 day with a heart rate of 171.  Perfect and strong.  Then we found Baby B and sure enough my fears were confirmed.  Baby B only measured 6 weeks and did not have a heart beat.  It looks as if Baby B stopped growing right after we saw the twins at our 6 week appointment.

This was heartbreaking.  I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought of how excited K and G were to have not just 1 baby but 2.  I wanted this so badly for them but I am not in control.  I do not question the Giver and Taker of life because I know His plans are bigger and better than mine.  But there are just some things I won't understand this side of Heaven and they aren't for me to know.  So, I will continue to walk in faith that God loves His children more than anyone and He has big plans for His miracles.

With this loss undoubtedly comes some fear and anxiety over how baby A will do.  Please pray for peace in the hearts of the family and myself.  There isn't any reason things shouldn't go smoothly the rest of the way, but those who have experienced loss can understand. 

Also, K and G have had a really crazy few weeks and I came down with strep which really just added to the craziness of my life.  So if you think of us, please just lift us up in prayer.  We are all just looking forward to slowing down and getting back into a "normal" routine.  And I am just really anxious to start feeling 100% again.  It has been awhile and I am feeling tired.  So thank you all for your continued support and prayers.  We couldn't do it without you. 

Happy 3rd Birthday Madyn!

This sweet little girl turns 3 today.  For this birthday she celebrated with parties, presents and a trip to Monterey Bay Aquarium.  Her parents are trying to make her birthday as "normal" as possible, but she continues to take her medication and struggle with side effects.  For those of you who don't know Madyn, she was diagnosed with leukemia just 3 months shy of her 2nd birthday.

This past year has been a whirlwind for her family and one that they haven't taken lightly.  They hit the ground running taking care of their little Madyn and their other daughter, 6 year old Leila.  They have researched, asked questions, fought and are continuing to fight for a cure.  They do it for their daughter, for their friends who have lost their fight, the friends that continue to fight and the ones who have not been diagnosed yet.

This is real and no one is immune. It might not be your child today, but it could be tomorrow.

Fight with us as we raise money for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  I am asking, in honor of Madyn's 3rd birthday for everyone to go Here and donate just $3.00.  Then tell your friends, family and co-workers to join you in donating.  So that one day, we will find a cure. This may not be a lot to many but for a family fighting for a cure, it's the world.

How many heartbeats did we see?

I woke up this morning so nervous for our ultrasound appointment.  I don't know why.  I've been dealing with morning sickness all week and I never really have before.  We had great numbers but I just really needed to see the heartbeat(s).  I wanted this for them so badly...they deserved some good news.

We sat in the waiting room for what seemed like FOREVER.  They called me back and let me get ready.  Then K, G and Travis all squeezed into this tiny ultrasound exam room.  It was a tight fit but I was so thankful all three of them could be there. We joked and laughed to pass the time.  She finally came in and began the exam.  All 8 eyes were staring at that screen, no one wanting to miss a thing.

She showed us the uterus and then there it was, a sack, and a baby with a flickering heartbeat.  The sweetest sight and I started tearing up.  This baby was perfect, measuring at 6.87 mm which equates to 6 weeks 3 days which we are today.

She started moving around again and clear as day, there was another sack, with another baby and another flickering heartbeat.  This baby too measured the exact same size at 6.87 mm.

That's right.  Twins!!! I asked her to look around and make sure there weren't any more hiding in there.  She was sure...just the 2.  After she took their measurements she listened for their heartbeats.  There is nothing quite like that sound.  Baby A came in about 118 and Baby B about 121.  Both good heart rates!

  You can't see Baby A in this picture but he/she is in there.

I loved having the opportunity to lay there and watch their faces as they stared at their babies. G kept saying "Oh my God. Oh my God." And K stood there in silence.  It was a perfect moment, one that could never be described with words. With all of their past experience they were able to walk out of that appointment with hope.  And that is why I do this.  I am beyond grateful and blessed for this opportunity.     

After all this time, 2 blessings for K and G.  We all couldn't be happier and we are so excited to be on this "safari" (as my fellow surrogates like to call it) together. It is going to be a different experience for all, and I am excited for what is to come...like the 2nd trimester :)  The constant nausea is getting to me some but hoping it will subside sooner rather than later.

Next up is an appointment with my regular ob and I get to discontinue medication October 4th.  That will be another great day.  We call it "graduating" from the fertility doctor.  I won't be back to see him again and my regular ob will take over the remainder of the pregnancy.  Whoo hoo!

Thank you all once again for the prayers.  We couldn't do it without everyone support us and praying for us.  More to come soon.

Who wants news?

I knew you would scroll all the way through to find out the news anyway so I thought I'd save you the trouble and post it first.  Yep, we are pregnant!!!

I was so anxious I could only wait 2 days before starting to test.  I had 6 tests and the promise from Travis that he would get me more if I needed them (he was quite the accomplice).  So, Friday morning came around and I took my first test.  Negative of course.  Then Friday night and Saturday morning both negative.  I had been using First Response for all three of these tests,  so I asked Travis to go get the Target brand since one of my surrogate friends highly recommended that one.  As soon as Travis got home I took that one...negative. Sunday morning came and I took a Target brand... is that? could that be? I don't know. So I called in a second pair of eyes.  Travis too thought maybe he saw something but neither of us were sure.  I left it and came back later only to think that what I had seen was completely gone. So, only logical thing to do, take another one.  This time I used the First Response and sure enough, within the 3 minute window I saw it clear as day.  Really??? On day 4?? Now I'm thinking, maybe both embryos took.  Wouldn't that be fun?  And of course, I didn't stop the obsession, I took the rest of the tests I had within the next few days...plus 3 more.  It can get to be an expensive obsession but how often does one get to pee on sticks and watch them change?  It got me out of bed early for a few days which transitioned me nicely into the school routine.  See? Not all obsessions are bad.
 

Totally me...I took 12 in all =)

Thursday finally rolled around and I called the doctor's office to ask a few questions about my blood test the next day.  One question being if they called me to tell me the results or called K.  Since the transfer, I had K believing our first blood test was supposed to be on Monday (today) when in fact it was last Friday.  I was trying to plan a surprise on how to tell her and G they are going to be parents.  I was so excited until Dr. S's office said their protocol is to tell the IPs the blood results.  I was so upset that K and G were not going to get to hear it from me. So I sent K a text telling her that she would be hearing from Dr. S's office with the results unless she would let them know it was okay to tell me.  She said she hadn't really thought about who she wanted to know first.  Then I had to tell her that the blood test was in fact the next day and she would hear something by 11.  She was a little confused wondering why it would be tomorrow.  I told her I let her think it would be Monday because I wanted to surprise her if it was positive. (This whole week I had to not let it slip that I was pregnant.  She didn't want to know until after the beta.)  Well, I think the not knowing finally got to her and she asked if I knew something.  I wanted to make sure she really wanted to know so I asked her if she wanted to know what I knew and she said yes.  So I emailed her the picture of the positive test.  It took a few minutes to go through (which felt like eternity) and then my phone was ringing and she was screaming in my ear.  It was the best sound I could have heard.

Thursday night no one slept very well as we anxiously awaited the blood test in the morning.  I was up early and waiting at Quest at 6:15 in the morning.  That morning seemed to drag on as we waited for the call.  Finally a little after 11 we got the news...478!!! The weekend came and went and we had another beta today (Monday). We just needed it to double to know that the baby(ies) are continuing to grow.  And the number is...3,240.  That is a huge number.  We either have 1 REALLY strong baby or multiples.  Just for comparison, last time I had my blood drawn 1 day earlier and it was 142 and 2 days later it was 414.  Numbers do not tell the whole story so we will now just have to wait until September 10th to see how many babies are baking. That is going to be so much fun! 

Come back next time, tell your friends to visit the blog, and leave a comment.  I love reading them!

2 week wait

I don't seem to remember feeling so anxious during the 2 week wait last time. I'm sure I was but this time every minute seems to drag on forever constantly analyzing every "symptom" or lack there of.  I have a headache, could that mean I'm pregnant?  I'm feeling really hot all of a sudden, maybe I'm pregnant or maybe it is because it is over 100 degrees...again.  Plus, with all of the medication I am on, most of the "symptoms" could be from that too.

Two weeks feels like eternity when you are waiting for a pregnancy test.  Some women go through this month after month hoping and praying that their dreams of a child will finally come true all the while starring down a pregnancy test.  Such a little thing holding so much power and costing a small fortune.  Peeing, then waiting, then holding it at every angle thinking well, maybe I see something.  Then calling in a second pair of eyes only to be shown that your mind is playing tricks on you.  And this happens all the time, all over the world.  In my book it is just below torture. 

The transfer on the other hand was a good day.  K picked me up at 6:30am and we headed over to Clovis Community Hospital.  I was given 2 small bottles of water to drink, and then hold it in.  That part wasn't so pleasant. As we were getting on the elevator the embryologist got on with us.  We thought that was a good sign and told her to pick us the very best embryos.  I got ready in my fashionable hospital gown and waited to hear the news on how many and the quality of K and G's embryos.

(I have my lucky transfer pants on)

The doctor came in and told us that they had many embryos at all different stages but they had 5 at the blast stage.  The blast stage is the best stage they can get so we were very encouraged.  We had already decided before that we would transfer 2.  So they picked the best 2 and got everything ready.  I got wheeled into the procedure room.  This time no one was allowed to come in with me.  It is so weird because they tipped the bed where my head was down and feet up.  And after the procedure they left me like that for about 15 minutes before wheeling me back to the recovery room.  K sat and kept me company for the next hour.  We had a great time talking and laughing while we let the little ones get all snuggly inside.

Then I came home and sat on my couch the rest of the day.  And layed in my bed the whole next day.  Thank you so much to my sister-in-law Kara for hanging out with my little guys all day on Wednesday and to my mother-in-law Donna for hanging out with them on Thursday so I could rest and give these little ones the best chance I can.  That truly was another memorable day.

While I was transferring and hopefully starting a new chapter in K and G's lives, my mother was on the opposite side of the states closing escrow on her parent's house and that chapter.  It has been 1-1/2 years trying to sell that house and trying to say the final goodbye to what that house meant to our family.  It was a bittersweet day but one that will never be forgotten.

Stay tuned...I will have blood test results in a week from tomorrow.        







       

Transfer is set for...

Kids are so funny.  The other day Hudson lifted up my shirt and started poking my belly.  He asked, "mommy, why is your belly so squishy?"  I said, "because I have had 3 babies in my belly."  He thought that was an okay answer and went about watching cartoons.  I am trying to embrace that I have carried 3 miracles in my body and my squishy stretched out belly is the proof of that.  With that being said, here we go for another big, stretched out belly and getting K and G a kid or two so they have funny stories to tell their family and friends too.

K had her egg retrieval yesterday and they were able to get 24 eggs.  After introducing the sperm and having them sit overnight they now have 16 embryos to choose from.  That is an incredible amount.  Dr. S. is going to take the 2 very best (freeze the rest) and implant them on....Wednesday.  This will be a 5 day transfer which has a higher percentage of working.  Dr. S. was very happy with the numbers and quality and we are hopeful for a successful transfer. 

Thank you all once again for following along this second time around.  If you think of us on Wednesday please pray for all involved as we begin the exciting phase of this journey.  We will then be waiting 2 weeks for a blood test to see if the little ones took.  Since K does not want to know before then if I take a home pregnancy test, no one else will know either.  Sorry that we all will have to wait the LONG 2 weeks. 

So, here we go....

Exciting news

I went in for an ultrasound yesterday and everything looked great. They upped my estrogen to get me the rest of the way there.  K had her ultrasound today and they will be doing her egg retrieval on Friday (like in 2 days).  So close it is unreal.  Then the transfer will be Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.  I was holding my breath because Sawyer has his back to school night Monday night to meet his teacher.  I really didn't want to be on bed rest and miss his event.  But I was assured today that the transfer would not be sooner than Tuesday.

The transfer cannot come soon enough.  The medication is making me a little crazy.  We have been trying to find things to do to help fill the days. but it hasn't been easy since it is so hot.  We finally got a gym membership and that has helped a lot.  At least for my sanity.  The boys have a great time in the day care and I get some free time and a great workout.  Couldn't ask for more.

So as we get ready for transfer we will be enjoying possibly record breaking temperatures.  Not looking forward to that but am looking forward to finally getting to the transfer.  After 7 months of getting to know K and G, working through some bumps and getting things checked off the list, our transfer is right around the corner. Yippee!

Now for some fun...please send me an email (johannamott@gmail.com) if you have a great idea of how to surprise K and G with the news of a positive pregnancy test.  They live close so it will be easier to surprise them.  Just don't leave the comment on here...they read it :)

Here's a cute kid for your viewing pleasure

Two of the cutest boys on the planet...enjoy Ooh de Lolli pops (my mother-in-law's new adventure...check her out on facebook)

Short update

I have been on the Lupron now for a week and I had an ultrasound this morning to monitor how my body was reacting to it.  So far I haven't really felt any side effects except for the headache that came on two nights ago and lasted about 24 hours.  Luckily I slept through some of it.  The appointment this morning was quick and to the point which I appreciate.  They said everything looked good and gave me my next set of instructions on how and when to take my other medication. This includes lowering my dose of Lupron by a lot which I am really happy about.  It is so crazy how each doctor has their own protocol and way they do things, so even though I've done this before things are very different.  The amount of appointments and blood work I am required to do is less.  The medications are different and even the medications that are the same are administered differently.  It is exciting to still have some suspense with the whole process and not really knowing what is coming next.

K will be starting her medications tomorrow to start stimulating her eggs for the retrieval.  So while her eggs are being stimulated, mine are not but the lining of my uterus is being built up to have a nice thick, welcoming environment for the embryos.  I just still can't get over how amazing it is to be able to prepare both of our bodies each in a unique way so that she is ready to release eggs and I am ready to grow them.

So, sorry that this isn't that exciting.  Just wanted to keep you in the loop of what is going on.  We have another ultrasound next week to monitor how each of us are doing and taking to the medications. We should have a better idea of the egg retrieval and transfer dates next week.  Until then we are taking one day at a time with my family slowly getting ready for school to start on August 20th.

Since this update isn't so exciting here are some fun pictures:

My cousin Madyn kicking cancer's butt 1 day at a time and lookin' good doing it

Celebrating 4th of July

Impromptu trip to Yosemite for the day 

Kamryn's Visit 

 

What I have been up to (the short version)

So I met my new IM (K) and IF (G) back in January.  The story of how we met will be saved for a later time.  We have spent the last 6 months getting to know each other and checking off the things we need to do for another surrogacy.  First thing was first though, I had to go get clearance from a new ob to carry another child seeing that another child meant a fourth c-section.  I have been praying since I had Kamryn that if I was supposed to do this again it would be very clear and if I wasn't that there would be a HUGE roadblock.  I'm not very good with subtleties and was praying for clarity.  So I started walking down the path to surrogacy again with my mind open and willing to turn away if it wasn't right.  I feel like my first journey was so amazing because everything lined up just right and it was something I was supposed to do.  I wanted things to line up again if it was supposed to be a second time.

I went in to see my new ob asking if I could carry again and he said "absolutely".  He told me since I was young and healthy and have had c-sections that were low and horizontal that I shouldn't have a problem at all.  I was thrilled to hear that news.  I asked him how long I should wait for the transfer and he said around 9-12 months but that my body had already healed and there wasn't a big difference waiting 6 months or 18 months.  So we decided to go see the fertility doctor and start working on getting me cleared for another surrogacy just so we could make sure my body in fact could do it again.  Dr. Synn, who we are working with here in Fresno, felt confident in allowing me to do a surrogacy again and also was not concerned with a fourth c-section.  I went and had an HSG test done which basically looks at the anatomy of the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there are not any obstructions that would hinder implantation.  That came back normal and we were on to the next thing; psychological exam, picking a lawyer and signing contracts.  The beginning of every surrogacy is just a list of hoops to jump through before getting to the good stuff. 

Well, I'm happy to announce, we are getting to the good stuff.  K and I start our medication tonight!!! This surrogacy will be done with a fresh cycle which means both K and I need to be ready at the same time.  Her body will be getting ready to release eggs and my uterus will be getting thick and ready for implantation.  The science behind all of this is amazing; that with medication we can both be ready at the same time.  We are looking at a transfer for the week of August 12th as long as both of our bodies take to the medication the way the doctor is hoping.  Tonight I start Lupron, a drug that I have been told can cause some wonderful side effects that could make me a little moody (to put it nicely).  Can I apologize in advance for being unfriendly and short tempered these next couple of weeks?  Just blame it on the drugs.  So, I will have my first ultrasound on July 30th and will get the protocol for the rest of my medication.  Here is to the next month of drugs, doctor appointments and getting my big boy ready for kindergarten.  It is going to be exciting.  Join me, won't you?

6 months...really?

It is not easy taking such a long break from blogging and then trying to jump back in but here goes.  I haven't been blogging because I have chosen to not miss the moments.  You know...the moments when you see your child swim on his own for the first time.  The moments when you are asked if The Hulk is stronger than God and Jesus which leads to more in depth truths.  Moments of scavenger hunts while taking a walk and building sand castles at the lake.  Moments that I would never miss to stop and write words.  I do like to share our lives especially with family who live far but we have had too many adventures to take a break.  We have been quite busy with birthdays, weddings, trips to the mountains, a trip to Mexico and many playdates with new friends.  Those of you who are friends with me on facebook have seen that I finally dumped all my pictures on my page to get caught up.  It has been so much fun having all of these experiences and now we are trying to squeeze in a few more adventures before my Sawyer heads off to kindergarten in August (tear).

Hudson turns 4

Trip to the lake with friends

Trip to Cancun.  Thanks Gold Canyon!

Aunt Lyn's wedding

I am so excited for the experiences he will get to enjoy while in school but he has been my little at home buddy for 5-1/2 years and thinking of him going off to school makes me a little sad.  He, on the other hand, is so excited.  We had his kindergarten assessment and he did great.  Now whenever we pass by his school he tells us he's going to school there.  He will do amazing I just know it, but until then I'm soaking up every bit of him I can get and trying to schedule little family trips before our life gets a little more hectic.

My sweet and lovable Sawyer

  
So while I've been busy with my own family my little surro-girl has gone and turned 6 months old already.  I can't believe it has already been 6 months since I gave birth to her and handed her over to her parents.  It is so true that days seem to go slow but weeks, months, years seem to fly by.  That has never been more apparent than when I watch children grow.  She is such a little cutie and I wish I lived closer but I will take what I can get.  Fatima is great about sending me pictures and videos to keep me up to date with what she is doing.  She is trying to crawl and will be up and running in no time, I'm sure.  I was able to make a trip down to see all of them in April and it was so wonderful to get to hold her again.  They are hopefully going to be coming up to Fresno in July so I'll get to see them again.  Until then, I'll keep enjoying pictures and videos.  Here are some pictures for you to enjoy:

12 weeks old

April 10th

 

 

My visit

6 months old

Finally, I had previously talked about things that might be coming up for our family but couldn't share them yet.  Well, that was because we were slowly taking the necessary steps to get approved to do another surrogacy.  I am so thrilled to announce that we will be embarking on another surrogacy journey with a couple who live right here in Fresno!  Tune in to the next post to learn more about them and surrogacy #2.  Haha!  Teaser so you have to come back :)

Time to fundraise

Little Miss Madyn has now been fighting her battle with Leukemia for 10 months and she is doing amazing. She is now in maintenance phase which means no more planned hospital stays. Whoo hoo! She is also able to go out in public, play with friends and do all of the things a "healthy" 2 year old can do. She was even able to be a flower girl in our Aunt Lyn's wedding in March, and what a beautiful flower girl she made walking down the aisle with her amazing older sister.

Me with the gorgeous flower girls.

Cousins

The beginning of the year didn't start out so well. Madyn landed in the hospital with an infection and had to stay there for nearly 3 weeks. Each day brought hope that her levels would rise enough to be released and disappointment when they hadn't. They were finally released just in time to go home and watch their Giants win the Superbowl. And although I don't support their team choices I love this sweet family. Their strength through all of this is an inspiration.



While Madyn continues to fight this awful disease their family continues to need financial support. That 3 week stay in the hospital was not cheap and even with insurance there are a lot of out of pocket expenses and certain things that just are not covered. So we are starting back up with fundraising again to help lessen the load for their family. We want them to put their focus and energy on keeping Madyn and their whole family healthy and not on bills.



Please join me in helping this family. Our goal is to raise more money than last year. Last year, from all of our fundraising efforts, we were able to donate over $5000 to their family. I am also still growing out my hair to donate to Locks of Love and my sister-in-law Kara is joining me in doing this. The button on the side of my blog is still available if you would like to make a donation. We are also doing a fundraiser at Skywalk. Once I pick a date I will let everyone know. I am also going to be putting together a soccer tournament so if you have ideas, want to play or know of someone who could help please contact me. I will be offering the candle fundraiser again if anyone would like to take a packet and collect orders I can come up with dates for selling. We are also asking if anyone would like to host their own fundraiser please do so. We did yard sales, poker nights, candle sales etc. last year and if you would like to do something like that it would help tremendously.



Thank you all so much for your continued support for this family. The Frazier family has commented numerous times how the help and support from family and friends is what is helping them through this difficult time. They and myself appreciate it more than words can say. God bless you all.

Leap Year

Normally, I don't really care about Leap Year. It is just another day for me. But currently I am thankful for this extra day. It gives me the chance to squeeze one blog post into February. I've been wanting to get back to writing regularly but I just don't know what to write about. Surrogacy was such a huge part of my life for the last year I mostly posted about that. Now things have gotten back to normal and I can't think of anything to write.

Not that there hasn't been anything going on. We actually have quite a few things coming up that we are really excited about. One being our Mexico trip. I have a home based business through Gold Canyon and I earned a trip for my husband and I to go to Mexico for 5 days. We leave next Wednesday and will be home on Sunday. I will be posting about that trip with pictures when we get back. Then we have Travis' aunt's wedding when we come back which I am so excited about. And also I will be turning....gulp, 30!

We also have some decisions we are wrestling with right now so if you could please pray for clarity on what God's plans are for us, we would really appreciate it. We are so excited for the possibilities that are in front of us but we want to be sure our plans are in line with what God has planned for us.

So, okay...I have nothing. This is it, my whole post. I'll just post some pictures because that's what everyone wants to see anyway. Thank you for sticking with me. They will get better.

The boys got new helmets for Christmas.

Hudson loves to dress up.

Sawyer and his good friend Mollie on her 5th birthday.

Kamryn's first Valentine's Day!

2 months old!

Can you believe this pumpkin is 10 weeks old?

Our birth story

One month ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and handed her back to her loving and amazing parents. April 10th was the day they handed over their daughters for me to carry, nourish and protect and although it wasn't in God's plans for me to carry them both, December 20th was the day their dreams came true as they held Kamryn Sofia for the very first time. Watching them hold their daughter I could see the trials and heartache of the last 4 years slip away. She was here and we could all feel what we had been holding in for so long..relief and joy over this miracle.

Our birth story started when they got into town Saturday evening. They came over for dinner and I didn't mess it up this time. We had decided they would come into town a little early in case Kamryn wanted to come before Tuesday. After dinner they went back to their hotel to rest and get ready for the days ahead. Sunday morning we all went to the zoo and spent a nice morning together. T actually has family in Clovis (which is the town right next to mine) and they were having a get together Sunday night. Travis, the boys and I all went over to their get together and were able to meet some of his family. That was so nice to be able to meet them. All Saturday and Sunday I was having contractions here and there but never anything consistent. We wanted so badly to have her over the weekend but she just didn't want to come. Monday morning we went to Kaiser and met with the social worker and some of the staff that would be there the next day for our delivery. We worked out all of the details and felt very confident about the plans for the delivery. Monday night we all went to my parent's house (including T's parents who had come for the birth) to spend a little more time together.

Tuesday morning came and we were ready. I was up at 4:30 am packing the rest of my things and doing my hair and makeup. I know, it sounds crazy, but I said that since we scheduled this birth I was going to try to look my best for pictures. We got to the hospital by 5:30 am and they started my IV and getting all of the paperwork signed and ready. Unfortunately, the staff that we had talked to the day before had not passed along all of the information about our unique situation to the next shift so there were a few things that needed to be re-clarified when the new staff came on at 7:00 am. Luckily, we got everything worked out before I actually went in.

T and F got to the hospital about 7:00 am along with my parents and T's parents. The excitement kept building as we anxiously awaited our turn for the operating room. I belive it was about 7:45 am when they took me in. As they prepared me in the operating room, F was getting ready as well to come in. Per Kaiser policy we were only allowed one person in the operating room so we all decided it should be F. We were of course a little disappointed we couldn't have T and Travis in the room as well but there wasn't much we could do about that.

We were finally ready to go and they brought F into the room. As soon as F came into the room she said she was feeling a little lightheaded. With all of the emotions and excitement building inside her she needed to sit and breathe for a few minutes. The anesthesiologist gave her some oxygen and that helped a lot. I was grateful at that moment that I had 2 c-sections before so I could help her relax and enjoy what was about to happen. They pulled Kamryn out and we heard the most joyous noise...her cry. As tears streamed down my face I couldn't even look at F, all I could do was listen to her cry and hear the nurses say she was perfect. At 8:27 am weighing 7 lbs 13 oz and 21 inches long we welcomed Kamryn Sofia into the world.

The nurse brought Kamryn over so we could see her. She was so beautiful with dark hair and light skin. She was perfect. I could finally release all of my anxiety I had been holding on to. There is such a huge responsibility carrying another person's child and I needed to know she was okay and I had done what I had promised to do, keep her safe and healthy.

F left to tell T about their daughter and show him pictures that the anesthesiologist so graciously took for F. The doctors finished the surgery and sent me off to recovery to join Travis, T, F and Kamryn. As soon as I got in there I was able to hold her skin to skin against my body and allow her to nurse. I'm sure many people would worry about that being too much of a bonding experience and making it harder for me when Kamryn left to go home. It wasn't like that for me. This whole journey my head and heart have known that everything I am doing for this little girl is to help her to be as healthy as I can. Which is why I nursed her and I continue to pump and send her milk.

We spent the next day (Wednesday) recoving and enjoying our time together. Then Thursday they released all of us. Travis and I drove back to our house and back to our family as T, F and Kamryn drove home to begin their lives as a family of three.

People always ask me if it was hard "giving her up" and I tell them that I didn't give her up, she was never mine to give up, I gave her back. It is a completely different mind set going into a surrogacy knowing from the beginning that she is not mine. I do love her and I always will but it is a different kind of love than a mother and child. She will always have a piece of my heart and I am grateful for the opportunity to remain a part of their family and for them to remain a part of mine.

Since the birth I have gone back and read the comments that everyone had posted and I just want to say thank you. Your encouragement and support lifted me up and gave me strength. It is amazing how God works through the words of caring friends and family. I just can't emphasize enough what it meant to me to read them all. What an amazing journey we took this past year and so blessed to have been able to share it with all of you. I can't wait to see what is in store for 2012!

I am not done blogging, it will just now be more of my family and random thoughts from my head. Thank you for following!

Blessings!

Happy Birthday Kamryn!

1 month old