Saturday, February 26, 2011

Dealing with disappointment

Disappointment is not something I am very good at dealing with. I usually let myself fall into a funk, eat too much chocolate and then feel worse. Well, I'm working on that. Luckily, last Tuesday when I received the latest news about my surrogacy journey I was on a strict diet and passed up the chocolate. If you know me at all that was extremely difficult.

So, here's the catch up. Sunday morning my body decided to kick in gear and so the next day I would need an ultrasound for the monitoring to start. Monday just happened to be a holiday and there were no radiology clinics open in Fresno. So we went to church in the morning, I came home and packed, picked up my awesome sister-in-law Kara (who so kindly agreed to come with me) and we headed down south to stay the night with T and F. I had a 9:00 am appointment with the doctor on Monday morning. I was so excited that I was able to start introducing T and F to my family. We all had dinner together and then the three of us girls sat on the comfy couch and chatted until way too late. We were all able to have breakfast together the next morning and then went our separate ways. I guess only Fresno people celebrate President's day and close all their offices because T and F both had to work. We made it to the doctor's office and had my testing done without too much of a wait. I made sure and asked them three times if I could leave so I wouldn't get a call in an hour (on my way home) to come back in. We were all done and headed back to Fresno. Six hours later, thanks to stop and go traffic, we made it home safely.

I received a call that night that said my levels were too high and I needed to go in the next morning for another ultrasound and blood work. Luckily I had made an appointment at the radiology office on Friday just in case I needed it. And sure enough I did. I had my ultrasound and then waited an hour at Quest to get 2 small vials of blood done. (Note to anyone who goes to Quest...make an appointment). I got home in just enough time to turn around and leave again to go deliver candles. So, pretty much I had been running non-stop for 3 days. I was a wreck, my kids did not know what was going on but lucky for me, my husband was a rock.

I once again got a call Tuesday night with results from the tests I had done earlier in the day. It turned out my levels went up, which was bad. The physician assistant told me that my body released an egg on birth control, which is also bad. So, with all of our racing and planning and controlling we had to scrap this cycle and start again next month. I was so upset. I felt that I had let down T and F. That the last month of hurrying to get everything done was just a waste. I was just heartsick. I let myself fall into my usual funk and then decided that I would look at the blessings of us having to wait. My brother is getting married in the end of March and the transfer won't be until after that which means I can go and party and not worry about if I am pregnant or not. I had wanted to get in better shape before I got pregnant again and now I have more time. F and I talked and we decided that we will take the disappointment now if it means a baby when the time is right. I should have known better than to hurry up God. He is not one to be hurried or pushed and I am not to try and take control of things. A lesson that I shouldn't have to learn more than once but shockingly, I do.

So this week I have kept it low key. I have been loving on my boys and just enjoying time with them. Those three days were hard on us all and we are not used to being so busy. I am going to enjoy the next few stress, appointment and medication free weeks until we get to start this all over again.


  1. This last year has been filled with God saying, "No Sara, my time not yours!!" In the moment it is so frustrating and upsetting ... praise God that he has our life in the palm of HIS hand and nothing goes by Him! God uses all trials and waiting moments to his glorification. Praying for you and your continuing journey!

    Side note ... you refer to going South- if you EVER need a stopping place or overnight stay, we are in Valencia/Magic Mountain, call me!! Ask Megan for my number (so it isn't posted here) We would love to have you!

  2. God's time is the best time. I've learned to really not want it any other time because HIS is always the best!