Friday, February 18, 2011

Breathe feels good to breathe. It's a little weird that I have to remind myself to do that but I feel like I haven't taken a real breath this week. We have been racing to make a deadline. Racing to get lab work back, racing to get paperwork in, racing to get the contract signed and a clearance letter issued, racing to make a March 10th transfer date. I was told F and I could basically pick the transfer date we wanted. I thought this would be great. I could plan babysitting and Travis wouldn't have to miss any work. So we had our heart initially set on March 5th until we realized that even with our hard work and racing we can't control lab results or doctors or lawyers so we set a new date of March 10th. We really got into gear this week to get all of our stuff in and by Thursday we had done it. All of the puzzle pieces were in order and the doctor could finally issue me the protocol to prepare my body for a baby. There was one thing we never planned on... the human body.

We could plan and try to control everything but we cannot control how a body will take to medications or if it will cycle at the right time. I realized that there is no way to plan a baby. Not with meds, not the natural way, it is all on God. This should have been a big relief to me that I am not in control and that this is in the hands of the most powerful God. But of course, the planner that I am stressed over it. I am going to need an ultrasound in a few days but there is no telling which day it will be and lucky us no place in Fresno is open on the weekends or on holidays so if I need an ultrasound I have to go down south to get it. Then we have to wait for the ultrasound to determine when the transfer date will be.

The worry of not knowing the future has always been a sin issue that I have struggled with. I wish in the midst of my worry I would focus on these words "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34 And yet when I am so wrapped up in the business and the racing I do not seek his kingdom and his righteousness. Perhaps this weekend, with nothing on our agenda, I can focus on that and give my anxiety to God. This will not be the last time in this journey that I will have high anxiety and I will need to remember these words.

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