Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for; the day when the doctor lets me know if I am officially approved to be a surrogate. Although this is an important step it is not the last in determining if my body is right to be a surrogate. As I have sat and thought about this moment for the last week it has come to my attention that I have been so wrong about my thinking.
I have just started a Bible study on the book of Nehemiah with a wonderful group of ladies. We are learning what it means to be restored, rebuilt and revived. Something that hit me last week was that we cannot be restored to Christ until we work on the distance that is between us and our God. I realized that this journey of my surrogacy has put distance between me and my heavenly father. Before I started this journey I prayed that I was making the right decision. I talked with godly women who gave me their opinions and their knowledge of the Bible and I even spoke with the pastor at the church I attend. I knew it was the right decision for me. So why now do I feel the distance when I know God's hand has guided this journey so far and everything that has happened so far?
When I first started I felt that God blessed me with the gift to carry children and that I should share my gift. I also knew that because I had such strict qualifications of the intended parents God would have to bring me the right family if this was meant to be. It did happen, and I found wonderful intended parents. Before I met them I was so ready and willing to give it all to God and let his will be done whatever that might be. But now it has turned into, my will be done. I want this so badly for F and T that I have tried to take back control. I have lost faith that the same God who created us will see this through. He loves and cares for F and T so much more than I do and I have to rest in the truth that He has this under control. I memorized the verse "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future." I thought this was so fitting. God knows the plans for myself, F and T and I need to trust that he will finish what he started. I need to let go of my control, my anxiety and my impatience and rest in the truth of his promises. May the glory be his and his alone.