A visit and an ultrasound...with other ramblings of sorts

I haven't been able to post a blog in awhile. I've been busy obsessing about jeans. Yep...obsessing. All I want is one pair of comfortable, cute, flattering jeans to get me through the rest of this pregnancy. Is that so much to ask? I'm thinking it is. Destination maternity was having a Labor Day sale with an additional 40% off all of their sale items. So exciting if you ask a pregnant woman on a budget. So, I looked online and read reviews of how other women liked the jeans that I was interested in. Okay, so I had it narrowed down. Well, I can't tell if they would fit, be comfortable or flattering by looking at them on the extremely skinny models on the computer so I trekked down to Destination Maternity to try some one. Well, of course they wouldn't have the same ones in the store. What was I thinking? The insanity of it all. So I just picked a couple of pairs from the same brand that I liked online and tried them on. Big mistake. Looking at myself in florescent lighting is not my best look. I'd rather use my slanted mirror and terrible lighting at home if I want to feel good about myself. So, I walked out feeling depressed. I should know better by now. I went home and obsessed more about the jeans on the computer. It wouldn't have been such a big deal except that I have to pay return shipping if the jeans don't fit. Who comes up with this madness. There is no way for me to try them on so I just have to guess and check with each item I order. Seriously? Well, it was the last day of the sale and 9:00 at night and I broke down and ordered them, $60.00 for a pair of jeans that I will wear for another 3 months that I don't even know if they will fit. This better be the best pair of jeans I have ever owned. Do you see now why I couldn't post. I was busy!

Did I really just talk about jeans that long? Yep. The important stuff in life.

I added this just because he's so stinkin' cute.

So T and F came for a visit two weekends ago. I can't believe it's been two weekends already. We had a really nice couple of days. They made it here on Saturday and I took them over to meet my awesome but quite large family. We had a nice barbecue with awesome food and a nice time introducing them to everyone. Thank you to all of my family for pitching in to make it a nice evening. We spent all the time talking and finding out about each other. I loved it. T and F were probably a little overwhelmed by the amount of people there but they were champs. We came back to our house to see if they could feel their baby move. Unfortunately she was in a food coma and wouldn't wake up to move around.

The mommy, daddy, baby girl and me.

The cake I had made. It was supposed to have a picture of one of our ultrasounds but thanks Savemart for not coming through.

The next day they were able to go and visit T's family who lives close by. I was glad they had something fun to do because I didn't have anything planned for them. With two little boys it is hard to plan much of anything unless they wanted to go to the zoo in the 104 degree weather and I doubt that is how they wanted to spend their "vacation". So they came over later in the afternoon and I was going to make dinner. This was the first time I'd ever made anything for them and probably the last after how the dinner turned out. I was making this yummy lasagna recipe that I got from my sister-in-law. I had made it a couple times before so I knew it was good but this time I thought I would make it with no-boil noodles so I could spend more time with T and F and less time making dinner. Well, the noodles didn't cook all the way and were still quite crunchy. Fail on my first meal for them! They were gracious enough to tell me it was good. I appreciate that. Maybe I'll stick to baking. Next time we'll have cookies for dinner.

T running around playing tag with the boys.

The next day (Monday) was ultrasound day. This would be their first time seeing their daughter. I had sent them all of the pictures from the previous ultrasounds but now they were getting to see her first hand. We got to the appointment and they took us in almost right away. Way to go Kaiser! The ultrasound tech was so nice. He talked us through everything he was doing and telling us what he was getting pictures of so we could follow. It was so sweet to watch T and F as they watched their daughter on the screen. It is such a blessing to be able to watch their hopes and dreams of a family come true. We all walked out of there on a high. Which was especially good for them since they had to make the 4-1/2 hour drive home. It was a really nice weekend. It took us about a week to recoup from all the preparations and activity but it was memories that won't be forgotten. Now I get to plan my trip down there for F's baby shower. Next up, obsessing over a dress to wear.

Baby Girl - 22 weeks 6 days

The Belly

22 weeks 4 days

F and I getting ready for our ultrasound. This is just going to have to count for my 23 week picture because I didn't get one that week.

24 weeks

22 weeks tomorrow

How does my life fly by so quickly without me even realizing where the days have gone? Having a blog makes me more aware that weeks have passed and I have failed to be intentional with those precious minutes. Everything I want to get done I seem to put off until tomorrow. However, we have been quite busy especially this last weekend trying to get ready for T and F to come and visit. That's right...they are coming to meet my family.

I tend to freak out and go over the top a little when people who have never been to my house are coming for a visit. And so, my list of "honey dos" keeps getting longer. Travis has been so great about working diligently to accomplish my outlandish requests. We are cleaning carpets and couches, washing windows and blinds. Replacing light switches and face plates (that I have wanted to do forever). Painting the garage and trim to match our newly stuccoed house. T and F probably would not have even noticed if they weren't reading my blog but these are things that bug me and even more so with nesting hormones raging through me. I can't let people know I live in a house with dirty carpets. So I talked my parents into purchasing a Rug Doctor and we got to work. And even with my extremely high expectations I think they look good. Now on to planning something for them to do. If anyone has any suggestions of something to do in Fresno on a Sunday afternoon/evening I would appreciate the advice. I am really excited though that they are getting to come to an ultrasound on Monday to see their little girl. I can't wait to see the little one again. It's been a long time.

I did want to show a picture of the new stucco that we are so happy about.

The old

The New

On to the pregnancy. I can't believe twenty two weeks have come and gone. Since making it out of the first trimester this pregnancy has gone so quickly. I feel the baby move more and more everyday and can even see the belly move when she kicks. I realize with this pregnancy there are many things I took for granted when I was pregnant with my boys. Just the mere fact of getting pregnant so easily quickly passed through my mind as an everyday occurrence. I remember a few times feeling so grateful at how blessed we were to be able to conceive our children but not to the extent as I understand it now. Having become a surrogate I have come across so many families who are struggling or who have struggled to become pregnant and it is just heart wrenching to see their pain. It is so unfortunate that some of the most deserving parents cannot have biological children but I guess that is why God has offered other blessings such a surrogacy, adoption and fostering.

I also took for granted feeling my boys move inside my body. I enjoyed the feeling but I never thought about the women who can't. I love feeling this little girl move in a completely different way than I loved feeling my boys. I love the responses I get from T and F when I joke with them and tell them she is going to be a dancer with her long legs that keep kicking me. I love feeling her and knowing she is there and growing stronger everyday.

I took for granted being able to talk to my boys and read to them at night before bed so they would know my voice when they were born. T and F live 4-1/2 hours away and don't have the same opportunity to talk to their little girl. I praise God for technology during this time. I was able to get some Belly Buds that are speakers that attach to the belly. The parents have read stories and recorded songs so their daughter can recognize their voices and favorite soothing songs when she is born. I love playing their stories for her, she wakes up and starts moving around. It is so sweet and I am just so, so grateful for the opportunities to allow them to experience this pregnancy along with me.

I better be going so I can get some more cleaning done but first I would like to post some pictures and introduce....

The Daddy

Mommy and daddy- aren't the gorgeous?? I can't wait to see what their daughter is going to look like.

T and F with their niece. This picture was on their profile and I immediately fell in love with them.

The belly

16 weeks 5 days


17 weeks



18 weeks 3 days

20 weeks

21 weeks

Almost 4 months already!

I feel like I need different blogs for different aspects of my life. I sit down to type and I think about everything that has happened since the last post and I feel overwhelmed by everything I need to touch on. The whole point of doing this blog is to keep record of things going on and clearly, I'm not very good at it.

The pregnancy has been going very smoothly now that I don't have weekly doctor appointments and blood work. I think besides the birth of this baby, the day I was released from the fertility doctor was the most exciting day of this pregnancy. Talking with other surrogates, it is not usual to have weekly monitoring or meds for as long as I did (which was up until week 13). This is part of the reason I call Dr. H a mad scientist. She is good at what she does and wants to make sure all of the hard work pays off. And even weeks later, as I sit down, I am reminded of the three months of shots I endured and am grateful for the mad scientist because there is a healthy baby growing inside my belly.

I had my last routine ultrasound at week 12 with my favorite ultrasound tech Nancy. It was bittersweet because she has been so helpful and she even let us record the last appointment. If I can eventually get that edited a little I will post that as well. The baby was moving all over and it was so fun to get that on video to share with T and F. Well, when I share it with them. Sorry guys!

Nancy (my awesome ultrasound tech) and I - at our last appointment

12 weeks

I then went in at 13 weeks 3 days to have a genetic ultrasound test done so I was able to see the little one again then. Everything looked good but we are still waiting on results. The joys of medical tests...hurry up and wait. Sounds like my life.

13 weeks 3 days

Well, since I don't have a lot of updates I will share some pictures. And to get it out of the way so I don't have to keep saying "the baby." It's a girl!!! Now, just waiting on a name. Hint, hint F and T!

I was given permission by F to share pictures of her. So I would like to introduce you to the mommy! This was the morning of our transfer and I am holding a picture of the two little embryos that were transferred.

Mad scientist, host uterus, and the mommy.

12 weeks pregnant

13 weeks - please ignore the hair and lack of make-up

14 weeks 3 days

15 weeks - the camera adds 10 pounds (I'm sure of it)

F was also able to make a quick trip up to Visalia with a friend of hers. So I drove down there to meet them for lunch. It was so quick but so nice to get to see her and meet one of her friends.


Whew - That's all I have to say about that!

Ultrasound results

This journey of surrogacy is one that no one can prepare you for. I had a desire in my heart to help a family more than a year ago. I did research and found a support group but even then no one can clearly explain what you will go through carrying a child for someone else.

We have just begun and I can't really put into words the emotions that have raced through me every single day since I first came in contact with T and F. Today I think has been the hardest day for me so far.

Last Wednesday I went in for my first ultrasound and I was so excited to finally see something. I have the best ultrasound tech and I ask for her every time. She started the ultrasound and sure enough there was one little sac clear as day. It was so wonderful to see. Finally, the fun part begins, we get to see the baby grow and develop. We got finished and I was on my way. I had to stop in at the lab to get more blood work done to check my levels. As I was leaving I received a call from the technician saying the radiologist had seen something on the ultrasound scans and I needed to go back in.



Nancy, my ultrasound tech, was looking and looking and sure enough there was a second sac. The second one had been hiding on my right side. It was a little smaller than the other one but it was clearly there. I was so excited. Twins! I had already called F to let her know they saw one sac but now I get to call her back and tell her there are actually two. I was told that I wouldn't necessarily carry both of them and that we could lose one but I was still excited for the possibility of twins.

We all went about our week trying to not focus on today's ultrasound. I had been so excited all week for this next one to finally be able to see the babies. I wanted to see that they were really there. Then last night for some reason I just had a terrible fear that I had lost the babies. I know it was the devil trying to get to me but I haven't really been feeling pregnant except for being tired and that could just be from being so busy. So I was really anxious for the appointment today.

I went into my appointment and Nancy started the exam. She found one of the sacs big and beautiful. As she was looking around I saw the other one still small. I asked her if we lost that one and she said yes. I had tried to prepare my heart to hear that but I had continued to pray that both would grow healthy. God had other plans for that second baby. So we started looking at the big and beautiful sac and as I was looking I told her, "I don't see anything." I was starting to panic a little. She had a worried look on her face but kept looking and still nothing. I asked her if she could see anything and she said no but that we would take a look inside when she was done. I just lost it. I started crying and thinking about having to tell T and F that we lost both babies after making it this far. I was trying to hold in my tears so she could keep looking but they were streaming down my face. All of a sudden Nancy says, "there it is the yolk sac and the fetal pole, right there, did you see the flicker?" Through my tears I couldn't see anything except the relieved look on her face as she examined closer. She says, "hiding, just like kids do."

She then did the internal ultrasound and we could see it so much better. The baby measured at 5 weeks and 6 days, almost exactly where it should be. The heartbeat clocked in at 114 bpm, a beautiful rate. I was so relieved at that very moment that one little baby was still in there and still growing.



But it has been a little hard for me today. I had been pregnant with two very special miracles even if it was for a short time. I believe that life starts at conception and with that belief I feel like I lost one of T and F's baby. I feel a little like I failed in keeping their children safe. I know it is all in God's hands and timing but what if I didn't do something right or what if I could have done something different then both of their children would still be growing inside me. It is hard to fight the feelings.

Oh the heartbreak of all the women out there who have lost children. So grateful for an awesome God who holds those women as they weep and who cares for the children who were lost until one day they will be reunited.