This journey of surrogacy is one that no one can prepare you for. I had a desire in my heart to help a family more than a year ago. I did research and found a support group but even then no one can clearly explain what you will go through carrying a child for someone else.
We have just begun and I can't really put into words the emotions that have raced through me every single day since I first came in contact with T and F. Today I think has been the hardest day for me so far.
Last Wednesday I went in for my first ultrasound and I was so excited to finally see something. I have the best ultrasound tech and I ask for her every time. She started the ultrasound and sure enough there was one little sac clear as day. It was so wonderful to see. Finally, the fun part begins, we get to see the baby grow and develop. We got finished and I was on my way. I had to stop in at the lab to get more blood work done to check my levels. As I was leaving I received a call from the technician saying the radiologist had seen something on the ultrasound scans and I needed to go back in.
Nancy, my ultrasound tech, was looking and looking and sure enough there was a second sac. The second one had been hiding on my right side. It was a little smaller than the other one but it was clearly there. I was so excited. Twins! I had already called F to let her know they saw one sac but now I get to call her back and tell her there are actually two. I was told that I wouldn't necessarily carry both of them and that we could lose one but I was still excited for the possibility of twins.
We all went about our week trying to not focus on today's ultrasound. I had been so excited all week for this next one to finally be able to see the babies. I wanted to see that they were really there. Then last night for some reason I just had a terrible fear that I had lost the babies. I know it was the devil trying to get to me but I haven't really been feeling pregnant except for being tired and that could just be from being so busy. So I was really anxious for the appointment today.
I went into my appointment and Nancy started the exam. She found one of the sacs big and beautiful. As she was looking around I saw the other one still small. I asked her if we lost that one and she said yes. I had tried to prepare my heart to hear that but I had continued to pray that both would grow healthy. God had other plans for that second baby. So we started looking at the big and beautiful sac and as I was looking I told her, "I don't see anything." I was starting to panic a little. She had a worried look on her face but kept looking and still nothing. I asked her if she could see anything and she said no but that we would take a look inside when she was done. I just lost it. I started crying and thinking about having to tell T and F that we lost both babies after making it this far. I was trying to hold in my tears so she could keep looking but they were streaming down my face. All of a sudden Nancy says, "there it is the yolk sac and the fetal pole, right there, did you see the flicker?" Through my tears I couldn't see anything except the relieved look on her face as she examined closer. She says, "hiding, just like kids do."
She then did the internal ultrasound and we could see it so much better. The baby measured at 5 weeks and 6 days, almost exactly where it should be. The heartbeat clocked in at 114 bpm, a beautiful rate. I was so relieved at that very moment that one little baby was still in there and still growing.
But it has been a little hard for me today. I had been pregnant with two very special miracles even if it was for a short time. I believe that life starts at conception and with that belief I feel like I lost one of T and F's baby. I feel a little like I failed in keeping their children safe. I know it is all in God's hands and timing but what if I didn't do something right or what if I could have done something different then both of their children would still be growing inside me. It is hard to fight the feelings.
Oh the heartbreak of all the women out there who have lost children. So grateful for an awesome God who holds those women as they weep and who cares for the children who were lost until one day they will be reunited.