4th time's a charm?

What does this mean? This means I want you back in. I want you to join me on this journey. It is a special time of trying to help a couple's dream come true of having a child and I want you all along for the ride...if you'll come. Today starts the beginning of our 4th try. This is so new to me. I had only known success when it came to IVF. I now have a very tiny perspective of what couples feel when they battle infertility. I can be more empathetic when I hear story after story of the heartbreak couples feel. I now understand why my previous IPs (intended parents) have held back their excitement and cautiously allowed hope to sneak in with each pregnancy milestone that passed. This is a hard road but one that is so worth it if you can just hold on until the end. The end of the road has not come for my third set of IPs. We are starting fresh and are going to set our minds as such. This is a new start for us and we hope to have you along to cheer us on.

I'm a picture person and I think blogs are boring unless you have a picture to go with it. So here is the start for me. I get to start with birth control pills to help get me on the same cycle as the intended mother. For those of you who are new to surrogacy, she will be taking hormones to get her eggs ready for retrieval, and I will be taking hormones to get my body ready for a pregnancy. So these birth control pills are just the beginning. If all things go smoothly then we are looking at a mid-late January transfer. Come back soon to see how things are going.

Just because I love this picture and we don't have enough pictures of us. He is my rock; without him, I wouldn't be able to do what I do. Plus he's hot, so why wouldn't I want him on my blog?

Another path

The girls have been gone 3-1/2 weeks and life has quieted only in the sense that there is less noise in the house.  The boys started school and we are just as busy.  They go to different schools now since Sawyer was picked from the drawing to attend Bullard Talent.  We have been making it work and trying to get back into the habit of doing homework everyday.  So far, it has been a battle...Every. Single. Day!  I know it will get easier once we get into the routine.  It really helps that the boys at least enjoy school.  I really struggled with the idea of sending them to different schools but they have adjusted well and enjoy the fun things they get to do at each of their schools.

My cutie patooties first day of school

Through social media we have learned that the girls' case was dismissed and they were returned back to their bio parents.  We pray for them and for their parents to make better choices this time.  God loves these girls more than we do and we have to trust that he will care for them.  Even though it was difficult with them in our home we miss them and wish we could get updates.  The boys have asked to see them and don't understand why we may never see them again. So far that seems to be the hardest part; hoping and praying that they are doing well but never knowing for sure.

So for the past 5 months we have been walking another path we have not shared with many.  Another surrogacy journey.  We met a wonderful couple in May of 2013 and had been building a relationship with them until we felt it was ready to begin the process.  We figured we would start in the beginning of 2014.  As many of you know or have read in my blog, the surrogacy process can simply be described as a roller coaster ride.  And this one was just that.

Transfer #1

We were finally ready to transfer on April 26th.  One year and two days after the birth of my last surro baby and they day before my little man's birthday. Finally the day had come that we could start their story to a family.  We transferred 2 fresh, beautiful embryos.  We waited our dreaded 10 days until the blood draw...negative.  What?  How could that be? This had never happened to me before and I couldn't understand it.  How could it not work? Everything looked perfect. This couldn't be happening.

Transfer #2

They had 7 embryos left so we decided to try again. June 18th came and we transferred 2 more embryos, this time they told me the embryos looked "okay".  This didn't give me as much hope but "not so great" embryos have made beautiful babies before so it could happen for us.  Another 10 days of waiting...negative.  Again?? Are you kidding me?  I just couldn't wrap my head around why this wasn't working for us when it happened the first time for both of my other journeys.  I felt terrible.

Transfer #3

During that last transfer they had to thaw 3 of the embryos because 1 of them did not make the thaw.  So they had 2 remaining.  They wanted to give those last 2 a try and we all crossed our fingers that the third time would be the charm. The week before I was so afraid I would show up to transfer and they would tell me the embryos didn't make the thaw and all of the hormones I had been taking would be for nothing.  I didn't receive a call before my transfer so I showed up, once more, with hope that this would finally be it.  They transferred the last 2 embryos.  The doctor said everything looked great and we had a 50% chance this would work.  It had to, we didn't have any more chances.  Another 10 day wait...positive!  Beta came back at 67.  This was a lower beta than I had ever gotten but it was positive.  Two days later I had to go back and get tested again and all we needed was for that number to double.  It did...157.  With each blood test we held on to a little more hope.  I had to return for my last beta the next Monday.  It came back at 2309.

 It was rising just as they would like to see. Finally we get to schedule the ultrasound which has always been my favorite part. The moment the parents get to see their baby for the first time. Unfortunately the IPs were not going to be able to make it so I took my mom. We showed up September 2nd excited to see the little one moving around.  She started the exam and looked a little confused.  She was fairly new so I thought it was just taking some time for her to examine everything before she got to seeing the baby.  Then I looked on the screen and saw a big beautiful gestational sac, the first thing that attaches and grows.  But there wasn't anything inside.  She left to go get another tech to make sure she wasn't missing anything. She wasn't able to see anything either.  So she sent me to go get another blood test and said she would like to see it between 15000 and 20000 and if it wasn't then we would know for sure that it wasn't a viable pregnancy.  I received a call later that day..17,817. We still have hope.

The whole next week I held on to that number and the fact that I was feeling sick.  I returned for another ultrasound yesterday so nervous and still hopeful that the baby was just hiding.  Still no baby.  Once more I am left confused and can't understand why this isn't happening for them.  I share this because surrogacy isn't always babies and happy endings. This is the heartbreaking part.  It's heartbreaking to know that there was absolutely nothing else you could do and yet they still don't have a baby. As surrogates we know it is not our fault but it is so hard to be the keeper of their dreams and then bear the weight of their disappointment.
Our family has seen a lot of disappointment and loss in these last 5 months so we are taking a small break. We are taking time to re-group and decide what is next for us as far as fostering and surrogacy.  I don't know what my IPs are planning to do next but I understand that we all need time to grieve. Thank you all so much for your continued support and prayers for our family. We really would not have been able to keep moving forward with out it.  

4 weeks together

  The girls have been with us 4 weeks now and I am exhausted.  Making the jump from 2 kids to 4 has not been easy.  My house is a disaster, laundry is piling up and I barely have time to pee let alone do my hair or make-up.  But seeing these girls smile and laugh reminds me that we are making memories for them.  I was finally able to get my water safety certificate and thank goodness!  It has been in the 100s for most of the time the girls have been with us.  The girls love to swim and we have been going almost everyday.  M loves to jump off the side and wants to show everyone.  Bonus points that it tires them out and helps them sleep.  Sleep has also gotten so much better.  They sleep all night finally.  I am so grateful for that.  They have gotten better about eating fruits and vegetables and trying new things.  Things seems to get a little better day by day.

M jumping off the side.  

  Unfortunately, they will not be staying with us.  After their first court hearing we learned that their parents are appealing the decision for them to be in the system and even if they don't win this appeal they will be working toward reunification.  We were told this timeline would be around 18 months to 2 years.  Travis and I made the painful decision that we could not keep the girls for that long only to say goodbye.  There are some who may not agree with our decision but when we started this process we signed up as an adoptive home and not a foster home.

 

All dressed up for church

   We have learned a lot over the past 4 weeks about the system, about our agency and about ourselves.  We are more prepared to ask the right questions when being called for a placement.  The foster care system is tough but I know we will be blessed if we can keep walking forward.  Being an adoptive family, I don't feel we should have ever been called for placement of these girls so soon in their process and we didn't know enough to say no.  That being said, I would never give back these 4 weeks we have had with them.  I have wanted to pull my hair out more times than ever before in my life but when I sit and rock those girls at night I know it's worth it and they will always have a piece of my heart.

Water and shaving cream.  So much fun!

   Please, please continue to pray for all of us.  They will be leaving within the next 3 weeks.  I am in tears now thinking of those girls having to go into yet another family and trying to bond with another family, learning another set of rules and having the rug pulled out from under them again.  Also, my boys have to say goodbye to the girls they have called sisters.  I know it is better now than in 2 years but it is still very difficult. Thank you all so much who have helped us welcome these girls into our home, for bringing meals and for bringing clothes and toys for them.  I am so happy they will be able to take things with them that they can call their own.