Vulnerability is not Weak

 To be honest, vulnerability is not my jam. For so long I have wanted to hide any feelings or events in my life that have not been positive. Keep them deep in my heart and deal with them on my own. Don't show vulnerability or weakness. I believed that by keeping all of this inside, I could protect myself against more hurt, pain, and judgment. So instead, I isolated myself from most of my relationships. I didn't make any efforts to reach out to friends, and only posted my highlight reels on social media.

Just a quick aside; it seems as though the purpose of social media is so that people can stay connected. But it's so easy to "like" and "comment" on a façade. We aren't using these platforms to connect with who people really are. When I scroll through social media and see people's perfect pictures and perfect families (I do it too) it makes it difficult to share our struggles. We only want to share the best, but it isn't real. I do really love seeing all of the pictures of my friends and family, but let's not let that take away from real connections and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable too.

Restarting this blog and writing about the things I've written about has been a huge leap into a very uncomfortable place for me. But the rewards have been tremendous. I have reconnected with multiple friends who I haven't spoken to in years and it is refreshing. People have opened up and left comments, or sent messages of solidarity. Please keep commenting, messaging or reaching out. I want to be there for you as you have stepped up and been there for me.

It's important to invite people into the mess, to share our imperfections, to be real with one another. Let's be badass!

~ Sometimes if you expose your vulnerability, someone else will feel comforted. It's like we're all in this boat together. - Tavi Gevinson

Dating after Divorce

 Can we talk about dating sites?! Where did these come from and why are they so popular? 

After being in a relationship for 15 years I find myself back into the dating scene. It is so different now and so many more things to worry about. Back before I got married, I met guys through friends or on campus. It was a natural meeting of two people. There would be a shared attraction and a face to face conversation, that if went well, would lead to a date. I know it has been awhile, but I believe even back then, people who wanted to get to know each other had real conversations with each other about more than just "how are you doing?".

I know dating sites have been around awhile but they are new to me and currently, I'm not really a fan of them. I decided to try Match and Bumble to see what all this new-age dating was all about. I would post pictures of some of these guys if I didn't think it would somehow come back to bite me or against some privacy laws but some of these profiles are weird. I have never seen so many bathroom pictures. Not of them actually going to the bathroom, but selfies in bathroom mirrors. Do they think they look better in bathroom lighting? What about all of the gym pictures? In my head I imagine these guys go to the gym, hold a weight so their muscles look bigger, take a selfie and then go home. The one I don't understand the most are pictures with their masks on. I appreciate people trying to be safe and wearing their masks but I don't think they are going to pass Covid taking a selfie for their dating profiles.

I do enjoy that most of the profiles the guys take time to write a little about themselves, their interests, if they have kids or not and if they want kids, some fill out their education, political views, religious views, marital status and they can answer "topic questions". Although I read every bio before deciding to "like" someone, I don't think many of the guys read mine. For me, reading theirs gives me an easy way to pass if something is a hard no for me. You don't have kids and don't want kids...PASS. You and your wife are looking for someone to join your relationship...PASS (at least they are upfront and honest). Your favorite thing is arson...PASS. You are incarcerated...PASS. (I am not making this stuff up.) What is up with everyone being "outdoorsy", "adventurous", spending their free time at the gym and wanting to travel the world? Where are the men that want to binge watch Hallmark Christmas movies, want to have a laundry folding party or would move their schedules around to go cheer on teenagers in their sports games? 

I didn't imagine it would be this difficult to try to carry on a conversation with someone. Conversations can only go so far if the other person responds with a single word, or with swear words that do not make any sense. Just today for instance, I ask a guy what he does for work and his response "Fu*k sh!t up 😎". Um...thanks for clarifying? Although, my favorite thing about dating sites is the "block" feature. If someone is being rude or creepy, instant block. 

The thing I have to worry about the most now are my boys. I have to be even more cautious to keep them safe and protect their privacy. I make sure to not share their pictures, schools or any personal information. It would also take me a long time of dating someone to finally introduce them to my boys. They are my everything and I would rather be single forever than to bring the wrong person into our lives. 

Please share with me some of your online dating stories. I would love to hear them! Best of luck to all of you other single women out there trying to see if the online dating sites will work for you. The pictures in this post are some I have on my profile. 

Look for the helpers

 Wow! Thank you all for the overwhelming love and support for my previous post. That wasn't easy for me to post. I tend to be more of a private person, especially with parts of my life where I feel I failed or did not live up to my own (or other's) expectations. I talked to a friend this last week and she told me that divorce is not a failure, it is an expiration of something that was once good but is no longer good for one or both partners. I appreciated that. 

For so much of these last few years I have felt like a failure; like I failed my boys, failed my family and failed myself. I have struggled to trust other people and even trust myself. I have kept so much to myself afraid to lean on other people, share my struggles and my short comings. I've been afraid to let people in worried they would judge me. Don't get me wrong, this is an ongoing battle. One brick at a time I'm working to remove them. I find myself walking along, feeling lighter from those bricks I removed and BAM...I'll pile them right back up. I have discovered that when I am able to open up and share my struggles, there are people who will help me carry these bricks or help me break through them. When I have opened up, I find that there are people who understand and can relate. That is a freeing feeling. I will keep moving forward, keep working at it. 

 Until then, thank you to my core peeps who have helped me through these last few years. My helpers have shown up. I don't know how I have gotten so lucky, but I have the most amazing family and friends anyone could ever dream of. In my darkest days, they have been there. They have taken by boys on "spoil days". They have come over to watch reality TV, eat Taco Bell and check out of life for a little while. They have sent food, gift cards, and taken me out to lunch. They help me fix things or move heavy furniture. They have been there. It may have been a small thing for them, but it was a huge thing for me. They are my life lines and I appreciate them more than they know.

  "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." - Fred Rogers' mom 😊

Happy New Year!

 It has been over six years since I have even logged on to this page. I wrote the Twinkies' Birth Story and walked away, hoping to be back with updates on my life and what I've been doing. To be honest, the last 6 years have been hard. 

  During the year I was carrying and delivering the Twinkies, Travis and I were also trying to adopt a baby girl. We had submitted our home study 5 different times and each time, never heard back. Trying to deal with the disappointment and rejection along with the loss was too much. We decided to take a step back from adopting and let our license expire. 

  Travis and I coped in different ways. He focused on projects in the garage or around the house. I focused on work and the kids. I was trying to heal from the loss of a child who wasn't mine and come to terms with the fact that I could never carry a child again. He was trying to heal from almost losing his wife. Both of us trying to heal by staying busy.

 We carried on like this for a few years but eventually this lead us to divorce in February of 2019. Once again, I had to work on healing. Healing from not having the life I had dreamed about, healing from hurt words and actions that divorce brings. I had to put my big girl pants on and be there for my boys. Figure out how to be a single mom, financially support us, and how to be okay not having them with me all the time. It's been hard. Covid has added an extra layer of hard. 

  But what is the point of the good times if you haven't fought the bad times? I don't want to just be the highlight reel on social media. I want people to know they are not alone. Single moms, foster moms, women struggling to be moms or who have lost a child, moms of teenagers. I see you! We don't all have the same stories but we all have a story. Let us not struggle alone.

 "Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." - Desmond Tutu