Happy New Year!

 It has been over six years since I have even logged on to this page. I wrote the Twinkies' Birth Story and walked away, hoping to be back with updates on my life and what I've been doing. To be honest, the last 6 years have been hard. 

  During the year I was carrying and delivering the Twinkies, Travis and I were also trying to adopt a baby girl. We had submitted our home study 5 different times and each time, never heard back. Trying to deal with the disappointment and rejection along with the loss was too much. We decided to take a step back from adopting and let our license expire. 

  Travis and I coped in different ways. He focused on projects in the garage or around the house. I focused on work and the kids. I was trying to heal from the loss of a child who wasn't mine and come to terms with the fact that I could never carry a child again. He was trying to heal from almost losing his wife. Both of us trying to heal by staying busy.

 We carried on like this for a few years but eventually this lead us to divorce in February of 2019. Once again, I had to work on healing. Healing from not having the life I had dreamed about, healing from hurt words and actions that divorce brings. I had to put my big girl pants on and be there for my boys. Figure out how to be a single mom, financially support us, and how to be okay not having them with me all the time. It's been hard. Covid has added an extra layer of hard. 

  But what is the point of the good times if you haven't fought the bad times? I don't want to just be the highlight reel on social media. I want people to know they are not alone. Single moms, foster moms, women struggling to be moms or who have lost a child, moms of teenagers. I see you! We don't all have the same stories but we all have a story. Let us not struggle alone.

 "Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." - Desmond Tutu

   

The Twinkies Birth Story

  Travis and I were up at 4:00am ready to be at the hospital by 5:00am. I always like getting the first appointment of the day. It makes for an early morning but usually things run on time. We arrived at the hospital and the nurses got everything hooked up. IVs in, monitors on and then we waited. The nurses would come in and out thinking they were tracking the same baby on the heart rate monitor so they would move the monitors around trying to find 2 separate heartbeats. I didn't think much of it because the babies always had very close heart rates and they had been laying side by side for most of the pregnancy.

Sleepy, but ready to meet the babies

  The IPs arrived between 6:45am and 7:00am and I could feel the excitement grow. Finally, after 2 years with us plus their years of previous attempts, we were going to meet their children. I get rolled into the operating room where my doctor, Dr I and his assistant, Dr S start and then they have to wait a minute for both IPs and Travis to come into the room. Clovis Community has been so wonderful about letting 3 people into the operating room last time and this time.
  Dr I starts again, there is a lot more pressure this time trying to get both babies out. Then I hear the sweet sound of a baby crying and my eyes tear up. They say "it's a girl".  The next words out of Dr S's mouth changed our lives forever. "Baby boy....it's not good...I'm sorry." I could hear her praying and somewhere in there I heard "this is so odd, I don't know what happened...I've never seen this before". It was so surreal and I didn't really know what was going on. There wasn't a dry eye in the room and I can't even remember if anyone spoke. From what the doctor figured there was maybe a clot in the umbilical cord that cut off the supply to the baby. We just couldn't understand why just 1 week and 3 days earlier he was fine. The nurses took baby girl to the warmer and her mom got to cut the cord. They wrapped her up and brought her over so I could see her. She was perfect, 6 lbs 13 oz.
  After the doctors finished with me, Dr I walked around the curtain and said he was sorry. He also told me he had to stitch my uterus twice because it was pretty thin and that I shouldn't have any more babies. Oh good, let's add insult to injury. They rolled me into the recovery room (or wherever they take you after, I don't even know). The IPs went to talk to the staff and see their baby boy. I was able to nurse baby girl for a little while as the nurses did their routine checks. After having a baby the nurses have to come in and push down on your stomach to make sure the uterus is contracting and bleeding is not excessive. Let me be real, that hurts! After the first few times the nurse did it, I could see in her face something wasn't right. She had the charge nurse come in and they felt it was necessary to push on my stomach every 5 to 10 minutes. I wanted to punch them.

Getting to nurse baby girl

  They finally called Dr I back in after giving me all of the medication they could to help stop the bleeding. He thought there were probably just some leftover clots that if he removed them it would slow the bleeding down. He did that in my room and said he would be close by if that didn't work.  (I have no idea the time frame for all of this.) In the meantime, baby girl was being snuggled by my sister-in-law while the parents were trying to process everything else that was going on. Also, I received a call from my Annie, she had left work and was about to get on the freeway to come up to Fresno (she's 4-1/2 hours away). I tried to talk her out of coming but as I was on the phone with her my doctor walked back in and said he had to take me back into surgery to do a d&c and place a balloon to help stop the bleeding. I hear "I'm coming" and Annie hung up.
  Back into the operating room, Dr I and Dr S are again working together and tell me they will place the balloon and then watch to make sure that stops the bleeding. If it doesn't then they will have to take out my uterus. I wake back up in my room and honestly can't remember much. I think baby girl is in the nursery and my siblings may have come in to visit me. I do remember the nurse lifting my gown  and me saying "Um...that's my brother at the end of the bed.". I guess there is no modesty when having a baby.
  The nurses were then regularly checking to make sure the balloon was working and the bleeding was slowing down. It did work, for a little while. Then Dr S came back in and said she had to take me back in to surgery to remove my uterus. The bleeding just wasn't stopping. They told Travis it would be about 1 to 1-1/2 hour surgery. They took me back in again (sometime around 3pm) and this time I was out very quickly. I remember opening my eyes and seeing my brothers and hearing Annie say she was my sister. I wanted to say something to them but I couldn't and then I fell back to sleep. The next time I woke up was the middle of the night, I was in a panic thinking I was choking and couldn't breathe. No one was in the room and I tried to call out to someone but I couldn't talk or move my hands. They were strapped down. The nurse came in and yelled at me to calm down. How could I calm down when I had no idea what was going on? She told me I had a breathing tube and my hands were tied to make sure I didn't pull it out. I finally calmed down and fell back to sleep. When I woke up again it was morning and my throat hurt. Again I felt like I was choking. I tried to sign letters of what I wanted but it was the same nurse and she just seemed annoyed and kept telling me to calm down. Dr S came in at some point and I just kept pointing to the tube to take it out. I hated it. She was finally the one who thought of getting me paper and a pen to write down what I needed to say and they let me have my hands free. The respiratory therapist came in about 10 to start the process to remove the tube. I had to breathe on my own with the tube still in for 30 minutes before he could take it out. I started choking and feeling like I couldn't breathe again and was terrified. I could even hear my mom getting worked up a little. I finally got through all that and he was able to remove it. That tube was the worst!
  I had visitors throughout the day and another doctor came in to tell us about the surgery. It ended up taking 3-1/2 to 4 hours because they couldn't stop the bleeding and they had to replace 11 liters of blood (according to him). After further discussion with Dr I and Dr S they had to have 4 doctors in the operating room trying to stop the bleeding. My body wouldn't clot the blood so any blood they transfused just kept coming out. Dr S said it was amazing though, the work of everyone in the operating room that through it all they were able to keep me stable. They did everything right and for that I am forever grateful. When Travis asked if it was life threatening Dr S said "absolutely". That was a difficult thing to hear.
  I spent the next few days in the hospital making sure my counts and vitals were good and then I was released to go home on Tuesday. It felt so good to go home. Everyone is now trying to get back into a routine. The IPs are spending time loving on their sweet baby girl along with grieving for their baby boy. I have had the opportunity to visit them twice and it does my heart good to watch them with her. Travis returned to work on Monday and I have been working from home.

Baby girl snuggles

  Thank you so very much for all of our friends and family that have blessed us with meals, cards, flowers and visits along with offers to help with the boys. Please forgive me for not responding to messages, I have read every one and appreciate the support and encouragement. We are also still trying to get answers, if there are any. There are days when darkness settles in my mind and I feel guilty...maybe this was my fault...what if we would have delivered the babies 1 week sooner...what if we missed something. Those days are difficult. People ask me how I'm feeling, I don't really know how to answer that. Physically, I'm doing better everyday. I'm up taking my kids to school and getting back to being a mom. I'm off the narcotics and only need to take Ibuprofen 1 or 2 times a day. And I'm pumping for baby girl, which is going well. Other than that, I don't know. We are just taking one day at a time. If you think of us, please continue to pray for healing and peace for us all, along with the staff at Clovis Community. I have heard that this has really shaken quite a few of them, one even decided to retire. Though we had much loss on that Friday we also have so much to be thankful for. There is a beautiful new baby girl who gets to be loved by amazing parents and God must have more for me to do here. Guess I better get busy. Love you all!

My year in a nutshell

I miss writing. I miss sharing what is going on in my life. The last year has been hard to get back into it. I've let the fear of sharing too much keep me from sharing anything. So I go about my life in private and I don't really want complete privacy. I want my experiences to help others if they can. So I'm coming back. I've also felt like I need to update the last year if I want to start again but then the task of actually updating feels too overwhelming so I let more time pass.

So here is the last year in shorthand. I delivered a healthy baby girl on April 24th and now we are sneaking up on her 1st birthday. I can't believe it has almost been a year. The relationship didn't end up how I expected it to but it has been a learning experience for me. I have constantly struggled with having high expectations and then when other people don't live up to my expectations I come crashing down. What right do I have to expect other people to live up to MY expectations? That is something I have to work on. There was a precious baby girl born, they are completely in love with her and that is the only thing that is really important.

So besides that, my baby started kindergarten and my big boy turned 7. Am I even old enough to have a 7 year old? The wrinkles in the mirror say yes. We went to Disneyland for the first time and celebrated my first surro-girl's 2nd birthday. We bought a house and got a puppy. I've started a new job as a parent educator and I love it. We are slowly trying to work on our new house but there is a lot to do.

But our biggest news is:

We would love to have you come along us in our new journey.  Please pray for our family, for the child(ren) that will be coming in to our home, for social workers and other team members that will be looking for the best situation for those children.  We are adopting from foster care which means this will be a long process and a lot of people involved.  We know this will not be easy but we know that if God has called us He will equip us.     

Only 3 more weeks

Can it really be only 3 weeks left until we finally meet Miss Kamryn? I was feeling a bit nostalgic a few weeks back so I went back and read some of my first posts. The one announcing that I met a great family to carry for. Then having to wait for paperwork, test results, etc. The post about our transfer and then getting a positive pregnancy test. Remembering back on the first trimester and how on edge we were just trying to make it into the "safe" zone. The beginning seems so far away and yet when Kamryn arrives we will have only been on this journey for a year. I am so glad that I decided to start a blog because I never want to forget this.

The hours are seeming to pass slow but the days fly by. This has been such an amazing experience but my body is feeling very ready to be done. I do remember that the last few weeks are the hardest. Everything aches, sleep becomes scarce, visiting the bathroom becomes a constant activity, bending down is near impossible and finding energy to do anything is hard to do. But I would do it all over again in a second. A surrogacy journey is something that you can't fully explain in words and unless you've done it it is hard to grasp the full extent of everything that goes into it. And we haven't even gotten to the best part yet.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow and then weekly after that. Hopefully he will start checking to see if there are any changes so we can have a better idea if we can count on her hanging out until the 20th or if we need to expect her to come earlier. This week I am trying to get things finalized and ready so I can feel prepared when she decides to come. Kamryn has yet to do anything on schedule so we need to be ready.

T, F and I have started guessing the size and length of Kamryn. If you would like to join in on the fun, put your guess in the comments section of this post. It will be fun to see who gets the closest. Also, remember that she will be coming at 39 weeks or sooner. Happy guessing!

34 weeks

Thanksgiving Day - 35 weeks 2 days

A visit and an ultrasound...with other ramblings of sorts

I haven't been able to post a blog in awhile. I've been busy obsessing about jeans. Yep...obsessing. All I want is one pair of comfortable, cute, flattering jeans to get me through the rest of this pregnancy. Is that so much to ask? I'm thinking it is. Destination maternity was having a Labor Day sale with an additional 40% off all of their sale items. So exciting if you ask a pregnant woman on a budget. So, I looked online and read reviews of how other women liked the jeans that I was interested in. Okay, so I had it narrowed down. Well, I can't tell if they would fit, be comfortable or flattering by looking at them on the extremely skinny models on the computer so I trekked down to Destination Maternity to try some one. Well, of course they wouldn't have the same ones in the store. What was I thinking? The insanity of it all. So I just picked a couple of pairs from the same brand that I liked online and tried them on. Big mistake. Looking at myself in florescent lighting is not my best look. I'd rather use my slanted mirror and terrible lighting at home if I want to feel good about myself. So, I walked out feeling depressed. I should know better by now. I went home and obsessed more about the jeans on the computer. It wouldn't have been such a big deal except that I have to pay return shipping if the jeans don't fit. Who comes up with this madness. There is no way for me to try them on so I just have to guess and check with each item I order. Seriously? Well, it was the last day of the sale and 9:00 at night and I broke down and ordered them, $60.00 for a pair of jeans that I will wear for another 3 months that I don't even know if they will fit. This better be the best pair of jeans I have ever owned. Do you see now why I couldn't post. I was busy!

Did I really just talk about jeans that long? Yep. The important stuff in life.

I added this just because he's so stinkin' cute.

So T and F came for a visit two weekends ago. I can't believe it's been two weekends already. We had a really nice couple of days. They made it here on Saturday and I took them over to meet my awesome but quite large family. We had a nice barbecue with awesome food and a nice time introducing them to everyone. Thank you to all of my family for pitching in to make it a nice evening. We spent all the time talking and finding out about each other. I loved it. T and F were probably a little overwhelmed by the amount of people there but they were champs. We came back to our house to see if they could feel their baby move. Unfortunately she was in a food coma and wouldn't wake up to move around.

The mommy, daddy, baby girl and me.

The cake I had made. It was supposed to have a picture of one of our ultrasounds but thanks Savemart for not coming through.

The next day they were able to go and visit T's family who lives close by. I was glad they had something fun to do because I didn't have anything planned for them. With two little boys it is hard to plan much of anything unless they wanted to go to the zoo in the 104 degree weather and I doubt that is how they wanted to spend their "vacation". So they came over later in the afternoon and I was going to make dinner. This was the first time I'd ever made anything for them and probably the last after how the dinner turned out. I was making this yummy lasagna recipe that I got from my sister-in-law. I had made it a couple times before so I knew it was good but this time I thought I would make it with no-boil noodles so I could spend more time with T and F and less time making dinner. Well, the noodles didn't cook all the way and were still quite crunchy. Fail on my first meal for them! They were gracious enough to tell me it was good. I appreciate that. Maybe I'll stick to baking. Next time we'll have cookies for dinner.

T running around playing tag with the boys.

The next day (Monday) was ultrasound day. This would be their first time seeing their daughter. I had sent them all of the pictures from the previous ultrasounds but now they were getting to see her first hand. We got to the appointment and they took us in almost right away. Way to go Kaiser! The ultrasound tech was so nice. He talked us through everything he was doing and telling us what he was getting pictures of so we could follow. It was so sweet to watch T and F as they watched their daughter on the screen. It is such a blessing to be able to watch their hopes and dreams of a family come true. We all walked out of there on a high. Which was especially good for them since they had to make the 4-1/2 hour drive home. It was a really nice weekend. It took us about a week to recoup from all the preparations and activity but it was memories that won't be forgotten. Now I get to plan my trip down there for F's baby shower. Next up, obsessing over a dress to wear.

Baby Girl - 22 weeks 6 days

The Belly

22 weeks 4 days

F and I getting ready for our ultrasound. This is just going to have to count for my 23 week picture because I didn't get one that week.

24 weeks

22 weeks tomorrow

How does my life fly by so quickly without me even realizing where the days have gone? Having a blog makes me more aware that weeks have passed and I have failed to be intentional with those precious minutes. Everything I want to get done I seem to put off until tomorrow. However, we have been quite busy especially this last weekend trying to get ready for T and F to come and visit. That's right...they are coming to meet my family.

I tend to freak out and go over the top a little when people who have never been to my house are coming for a visit. And so, my list of "honey dos" keeps getting longer. Travis has been so great about working diligently to accomplish my outlandish requests. We are cleaning carpets and couches, washing windows and blinds. Replacing light switches and face plates (that I have wanted to do forever). Painting the garage and trim to match our newly stuccoed house. T and F probably would not have even noticed if they weren't reading my blog but these are things that bug me and even more so with nesting hormones raging through me. I can't let people know I live in a house with dirty carpets. So I talked my parents into purchasing a Rug Doctor and we got to work. And even with my extremely high expectations I think they look good. Now on to planning something for them to do. If anyone has any suggestions of something to do in Fresno on a Sunday afternoon/evening I would appreciate the advice. I am really excited though that they are getting to come to an ultrasound on Monday to see their little girl. I can't wait to see the little one again. It's been a long time.

I did want to show a picture of the new stucco that we are so happy about.

The old

The New

On to the pregnancy. I can't believe twenty two weeks have come and gone. Since making it out of the first trimester this pregnancy has gone so quickly. I feel the baby move more and more everyday and can even see the belly move when she kicks. I realize with this pregnancy there are many things I took for granted when I was pregnant with my boys. Just the mere fact of getting pregnant so easily quickly passed through my mind as an everyday occurrence. I remember a few times feeling so grateful at how blessed we were to be able to conceive our children but not to the extent as I understand it now. Having become a surrogate I have come across so many families who are struggling or who have struggled to become pregnant and it is just heart wrenching to see their pain. It is so unfortunate that some of the most deserving parents cannot have biological children but I guess that is why God has offered other blessings such a surrogacy, adoption and fostering.

I also took for granted feeling my boys move inside my body. I enjoyed the feeling but I never thought about the women who can't. I love feeling this little girl move in a completely different way than I loved feeling my boys. I love the responses I get from T and F when I joke with them and tell them she is going to be a dancer with her long legs that keep kicking me. I love feeling her and knowing she is there and growing stronger everyday.

I took for granted being able to talk to my boys and read to them at night before bed so they would know my voice when they were born. T and F live 4-1/2 hours away and don't have the same opportunity to talk to their little girl. I praise God for technology during this time. I was able to get some Belly Buds that are speakers that attach to the belly. The parents have read stories and recorded songs so their daughter can recognize their voices and favorite soothing songs when she is born. I love playing their stories for her, she wakes up and starts moving around. It is so sweet and I am just so, so grateful for the opportunities to allow them to experience this pregnancy along with me.

I better be going so I can get some more cleaning done but first I would like to post some pictures and introduce....

The Daddy

Mommy and daddy- aren't the gorgeous?? I can't wait to see what their daughter is going to look like.

T and F with their niece. This picture was on their profile and I immediately fell in love with them.

The belly

16 weeks 5 days


17 weeks



18 weeks 3 days

20 weeks

21 weeks

Almost 4 months already!

I feel like I need different blogs for different aspects of my life. I sit down to type and I think about everything that has happened since the last post and I feel overwhelmed by everything I need to touch on. The whole point of doing this blog is to keep record of things going on and clearly, I'm not very good at it.

The pregnancy has been going very smoothly now that I don't have weekly doctor appointments and blood work. I think besides the birth of this baby, the day I was released from the fertility doctor was the most exciting day of this pregnancy. Talking with other surrogates, it is not usual to have weekly monitoring or meds for as long as I did (which was up until week 13). This is part of the reason I call Dr. H a mad scientist. She is good at what she does and wants to make sure all of the hard work pays off. And even weeks later, as I sit down, I am reminded of the three months of shots I endured and am grateful for the mad scientist because there is a healthy baby growing inside my belly.

I had my last routine ultrasound at week 12 with my favorite ultrasound tech Nancy. It was bittersweet because she has been so helpful and she even let us record the last appointment. If I can eventually get that edited a little I will post that as well. The baby was moving all over and it was so fun to get that on video to share with T and F. Well, when I share it with them. Sorry guys!

Nancy (my awesome ultrasound tech) and I - at our last appointment

12 weeks

I then went in at 13 weeks 3 days to have a genetic ultrasound test done so I was able to see the little one again then. Everything looked good but we are still waiting on results. The joys of medical tests...hurry up and wait. Sounds like my life.

13 weeks 3 days

Well, since I don't have a lot of updates I will share some pictures. And to get it out of the way so I don't have to keep saying "the baby." It's a girl!!! Now, just waiting on a name. Hint, hint F and T!

I was given permission by F to share pictures of her. So I would like to introduce you to the mommy! This was the morning of our transfer and I am holding a picture of the two little embryos that were transferred.

Mad scientist, host uterus, and the mommy.

12 weeks pregnant

13 weeks - please ignore the hair and lack of make-up

14 weeks 3 days

15 weeks - the camera adds 10 pounds (I'm sure of it)

F was also able to make a quick trip up to Visalia with a friend of hers. So I drove down there to meet them for lunch. It was so quick but so nice to get to see her and meet one of her friends.


Whew - That's all I have to say about that!

Ultrasound results

This journey of surrogacy is one that no one can prepare you for. I had a desire in my heart to help a family more than a year ago. I did research and found a support group but even then no one can clearly explain what you will go through carrying a child for someone else.

We have just begun and I can't really put into words the emotions that have raced through me every single day since I first came in contact with T and F. Today I think has been the hardest day for me so far.

Last Wednesday I went in for my first ultrasound and I was so excited to finally see something. I have the best ultrasound tech and I ask for her every time. She started the ultrasound and sure enough there was one little sac clear as day. It was so wonderful to see. Finally, the fun part begins, we get to see the baby grow and develop. We got finished and I was on my way. I had to stop in at the lab to get more blood work done to check my levels. As I was leaving I received a call from the technician saying the radiologist had seen something on the ultrasound scans and I needed to go back in.



Nancy, my ultrasound tech, was looking and looking and sure enough there was a second sac. The second one had been hiding on my right side. It was a little smaller than the other one but it was clearly there. I was so excited. Twins! I had already called F to let her know they saw one sac but now I get to call her back and tell her there are actually two. I was told that I wouldn't necessarily carry both of them and that we could lose one but I was still excited for the possibility of twins.

We all went about our week trying to not focus on today's ultrasound. I had been so excited all week for this next one to finally be able to see the babies. I wanted to see that they were really there. Then last night for some reason I just had a terrible fear that I had lost the babies. I know it was the devil trying to get to me but I haven't really been feeling pregnant except for being tired and that could just be from being so busy. So I was really anxious for the appointment today.

I went into my appointment and Nancy started the exam. She found one of the sacs big and beautiful. As she was looking around I saw the other one still small. I asked her if we lost that one and she said yes. I had tried to prepare my heart to hear that but I had continued to pray that both would grow healthy. God had other plans for that second baby. So we started looking at the big and beautiful sac and as I was looking I told her, "I don't see anything." I was starting to panic a little. She had a worried look on her face but kept looking and still nothing. I asked her if she could see anything and she said no but that we would take a look inside when she was done. I just lost it. I started crying and thinking about having to tell T and F that we lost both babies after making it this far. I was trying to hold in my tears so she could keep looking but they were streaming down my face. All of a sudden Nancy says, "there it is the yolk sac and the fetal pole, right there, did you see the flicker?" Through my tears I couldn't see anything except the relieved look on her face as she examined closer. She says, "hiding, just like kids do."

She then did the internal ultrasound and we could see it so much better. The baby measured at 5 weeks and 6 days, almost exactly where it should be. The heartbeat clocked in at 114 bpm, a beautiful rate. I was so relieved at that very moment that one little baby was still in there and still growing.



But it has been a little hard for me today. I had been pregnant with two very special miracles even if it was for a short time. I believe that life starts at conception and with that belief I feel like I lost one of T and F's baby. I feel a little like I failed in keeping their children safe. I know it is all in God's hands and timing but what if I didn't do something right or what if I could have done something different then both of their children would still be growing inside me. It is hard to fight the feelings.

Oh the heartbreak of all the women out there who have lost children. So grateful for an awesome God who holds those women as they weep and who cares for the children who were lost until one day they will be reunited.

Wait, Wait, Wait

The anxiety is building. As the days crawl by I am impatiently waiting for Tuesday when my medical records should arrive to the fertility doctor. Why does it take 10 days to mail records to an office where I could drive them there in 4 hours?
I never finished that post, and now it is Tuesday and it turns out the doctor is on vacation until next week. I get to wait another week until we get the go ahead to move forward. Maybe I should open my eyes and realize God is trying to tell me something "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7
I've believed from the beginning God has had a hand in all of this and now letting anxiety get the better of me instead of resting in the truth. So here is to a week of enjoying the peace instead of being anxious.

A Little Grace For My First Post

So, the main reason I am starting this blog is to record this next year mainly for a new family that has recently come into my life. About a year ago I felt a calling to become a surrogate mother. I prayed about it and spoke to people I trusted would give me truth. I decided it was something I needed to do. I applied to 2 different surrogacy agencies very excited about the possibilities to come. I waited very impatiently for them to get back to me and when I couldn't wait any longer I called the one I really wanted to go through. She told me how wonderful my application was and how much she loved my pictures that I had sent. She said everything looked good except two of the questions that I had answered. One was asking me if I would abort a baby for medical reasons and the other asked me if I would consider selective reduction if I was carrying too many babies. I told her that not under any circumstances could I do either. Then she kindly told me she probably wouldn't be able to find a match for me. I was heart broken. Could it really be so that there aren't any couples left out there that feel the same way as me? That every conception is a miracle and a gift from God? I sort of gave up on the idea and figured it just wasn't the right time.

Here I sit, a year later, once again feeling strongly about becoming a surrogate. I decided to send in a couple more applications without much hope that they would find a match. However, this year I found an amazing site where surrogates and intended parents could come together, find each other without going through an agency and share their experiences. The day I logged on I saw a post of a women from California looking for a surrogate. (I will be referring to her in all of my upcoming blogs as F and her husband as T). I waited anxiously to be approved to join the site and as soon as my approval came through I sent her a message. She called me that same day and we hit it off immediately. She told me about her story and it touched my heart. I knew this was the family I had been praying for. We have started the process of getting all of my information to her doctors to make sure I would be a good surrogate and have the best chance for a healthy pregnancy. The waiting is the hardest part but I feel that I don't have a right to be so anxious when she has had to wait so long. Hoping the next few weeks will have a lot of good news and things moving along quickly.

Thank you for reading and for those rallying behind my family. We are so blessed for all the support and prayers.