Vulnerability is not Weak

 To be honest, vulnerability is not my jam. For so long I have wanted to hide any feelings or events in my life that have not been positive. Keep them deep in my heart and deal with them on my own. Don't show vulnerability or weakness. I believed that by keeping all of this inside, I could protect myself against more hurt, pain, and judgment. So instead, I isolated myself from most of my relationships. I didn't make any efforts to reach out to friends, and only posted my highlight reels on social media.

Just a quick aside; it seems as though the purpose of social media is so that people can stay connected. But it's so easy to "like" and "comment" on a façade. We aren't using these platforms to connect with who people really are. When I scroll through social media and see people's perfect pictures and perfect families (I do it too) it makes it difficult to share our struggles. We only want to share the best, but it isn't real. I do really love seeing all of the pictures of my friends and family, but let's not let that take away from real connections and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable too.

Restarting this blog and writing about the things I've written about has been a huge leap into a very uncomfortable place for me. But the rewards have been tremendous. I have reconnected with multiple friends who I haven't spoken to in years and it is refreshing. People have opened up and left comments, or sent messages of solidarity. Please keep commenting, messaging or reaching out. I want to be there for you as you have stepped up and been there for me.

It's important to invite people into the mess, to share our imperfections, to be real with one another. Let's be badass!

~ Sometimes if you expose your vulnerability, someone else will feel comforted. It's like we're all in this boat together. - Tavi Gevinson

Dating after Divorce

 Can we talk about dating sites?! Where did these come from and why are they so popular? 

After being in a relationship for 15 years I find myself back into the dating scene. It is so different now and so many more things to worry about. Back before I got married, I met guys through friends or on campus. It was a natural meeting of two people. There would be a shared attraction and a face to face conversation, that if went well, would lead to a date. I know it has been awhile, but I believe even back then, people who wanted to get to know each other had real conversations with each other about more than just "how are you doing?".

I know dating sites have been around awhile but they are new to me and currently, I'm not really a fan of them. I decided to try Match and Bumble to see what all this new-age dating was all about. I would post pictures of some of these guys if I didn't think it would somehow come back to bite me or against some privacy laws but some of these profiles are weird. I have never seen so many bathroom pictures. Not of them actually going to the bathroom, but selfies in bathroom mirrors. Do they think they look better in bathroom lighting? What about all of the gym pictures? In my head I imagine these guys go to the gym, hold a weight so their muscles look bigger, take a selfie and then go home. The one I don't understand the most are pictures with their masks on. I appreciate people trying to be safe and wearing their masks but I don't think they are going to pass Covid taking a selfie for their dating profiles.

I do enjoy that most of the profiles the guys take time to write a little about themselves, their interests, if they have kids or not and if they want kids, some fill out their education, political views, religious views, marital status and they can answer "topic questions". Although I read every bio before deciding to "like" someone, I don't think many of the guys read mine. For me, reading theirs gives me an easy way to pass if something is a hard no for me. You don't have kids and don't want kids...PASS. You and your wife are looking for someone to join your relationship...PASS (at least they are upfront and honest). Your favorite thing is arson...PASS. You are incarcerated...PASS. (I am not making this stuff up.) What is up with everyone being "outdoorsy", "adventurous", spending their free time at the gym and wanting to travel the world? Where are the men that want to binge watch Hallmark Christmas movies, want to have a laundry folding party or would move their schedules around to go cheer on teenagers in their sports games? 

I didn't imagine it would be this difficult to try to carry on a conversation with someone. Conversations can only go so far if the other person responds with a single word, or with swear words that do not make any sense. Just today for instance, I ask a guy what he does for work and his response "Fu*k sh!t up 😎". Um...thanks for clarifying? Although, my favorite thing about dating sites is the "block" feature. If someone is being rude or creepy, instant block. 

The thing I have to worry about the most now are my boys. I have to be even more cautious to keep them safe and protect their privacy. I make sure to not share their pictures, schools or any personal information. It would also take me a long time of dating someone to finally introduce them to my boys. They are my everything and I would rather be single forever than to bring the wrong person into our lives. 

Please share with me some of your online dating stories. I would love to hear them! Best of luck to all of you other single women out there trying to see if the online dating sites will work for you. The pictures in this post are some I have on my profile. 

Look for the helpers

 Wow! Thank you all for the overwhelming love and support for my previous post. That wasn't easy for me to post. I tend to be more of a private person, especially with parts of my life where I feel I failed or did not live up to my own (or other's) expectations. I talked to a friend this last week and she told me that divorce is not a failure, it is an expiration of something that was once good but is no longer good for one or both partners. I appreciated that. 

For so much of these last few years I have felt like a failure; like I failed my boys, failed my family and failed myself. I have struggled to trust other people and even trust myself. I have kept so much to myself afraid to lean on other people, share my struggles and my short comings. I've been afraid to let people in worried they would judge me. Don't get me wrong, this is an ongoing battle. One brick at a time I'm working to remove them. I find myself walking along, feeling lighter from those bricks I removed and BAM...I'll pile them right back up. I have discovered that when I am able to open up and share my struggles, there are people who will help me carry these bricks or help me break through them. When I have opened up, I find that there are people who understand and can relate. That is a freeing feeling. I will keep moving forward, keep working at it. 

 Until then, thank you to my core peeps who have helped me through these last few years. My helpers have shown up. I don't know how I have gotten so lucky, but I have the most amazing family and friends anyone could ever dream of. In my darkest days, they have been there. They have taken by boys on "spoil days". They have come over to watch reality TV, eat Taco Bell and check out of life for a little while. They have sent food, gift cards, and taken me out to lunch. They help me fix things or move heavy furniture. They have been there. It may have been a small thing for them, but it was a huge thing for me. They are my life lines and I appreciate them more than they know.

  "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." - Fred Rogers' mom 😊

Happy New Year!

 It has been over six years since I have even logged on to this page. I wrote the Twinkies' Birth Story and walked away, hoping to be back with updates on my life and what I've been doing. To be honest, the last 6 years have been hard. 

  During the year I was carrying and delivering the Twinkies, Travis and I were also trying to adopt a baby girl. We had submitted our home study 5 different times and each time, never heard back. Trying to deal with the disappointment and rejection along with the loss was too much. We decided to take a step back from adopting and let our license expire. 

  Travis and I coped in different ways. He focused on projects in the garage or around the house. I focused on work and the kids. I was trying to heal from the loss of a child who wasn't mine and come to terms with the fact that I could never carry a child again. He was trying to heal from almost losing his wife. Both of us trying to heal by staying busy.

 We carried on like this for a few years but eventually this lead us to divorce in February of 2019. Once again, I had to work on healing. Healing from not having the life I had dreamed about, healing from hurt words and actions that divorce brings. I had to put my big girl pants on and be there for my boys. Figure out how to be a single mom, financially support us, and how to be okay not having them with me all the time. It's been hard. Covid has added an extra layer of hard. 

  But what is the point of the good times if you haven't fought the bad times? I don't want to just be the highlight reel on social media. I want people to know they are not alone. Single moms, foster moms, women struggling to be moms or who have lost a child, moms of teenagers. I see you! We don't all have the same stories but we all have a story. Let us not struggle alone.

 "Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." - Desmond Tutu

   

The Twinkies Birth Story

  Travis and I were up at 4:00am ready to be at the hospital by 5:00am. I always like getting the first appointment of the day. It makes for an early morning but usually things run on time. We arrived at the hospital and the nurses got everything hooked up. IVs in, monitors on and then we waited. The nurses would come in and out thinking they were tracking the same baby on the heart rate monitor so they would move the monitors around trying to find 2 separate heartbeats. I didn't think much of it because the babies always had very close heart rates and they had been laying side by side for most of the pregnancy.

Sleepy, but ready to meet the babies

  The IPs arrived between 6:45am and 7:00am and I could feel the excitement grow. Finally, after 2 years with us plus their years of previous attempts, we were going to meet their children. I get rolled into the operating room where my doctor, Dr I and his assistant, Dr S start and then they have to wait a minute for both IPs and Travis to come into the room. Clovis Community has been so wonderful about letting 3 people into the operating room last time and this time.
  Dr I starts again, there is a lot more pressure this time trying to get both babies out. Then I hear the sweet sound of a baby crying and my eyes tear up. They say "it's a girl".  The next words out of Dr S's mouth changed our lives forever. "Baby boy....it's not good...I'm sorry." I could hear her praying and somewhere in there I heard "this is so odd, I don't know what happened...I've never seen this before". It was so surreal and I didn't really know what was going on. There wasn't a dry eye in the room and I can't even remember if anyone spoke. From what the doctor figured there was maybe a clot in the umbilical cord that cut off the supply to the baby. We just couldn't understand why just 1 week and 3 days earlier he was fine. The nurses took baby girl to the warmer and her mom got to cut the cord. They wrapped her up and brought her over so I could see her. She was perfect, 6 lbs 13 oz.
  After the doctors finished with me, Dr I walked around the curtain and said he was sorry. He also told me he had to stitch my uterus twice because it was pretty thin and that I shouldn't have any more babies. Oh good, let's add insult to injury. They rolled me into the recovery room (or wherever they take you after, I don't even know). The IPs went to talk to the staff and see their baby boy. I was able to nurse baby girl for a little while as the nurses did their routine checks. After having a baby the nurses have to come in and push down on your stomach to make sure the uterus is contracting and bleeding is not excessive. Let me be real, that hurts! After the first few times the nurse did it, I could see in her face something wasn't right. She had the charge nurse come in and they felt it was necessary to push on my stomach every 5 to 10 minutes. I wanted to punch them.

Getting to nurse baby girl

  They finally called Dr I back in after giving me all of the medication they could to help stop the bleeding. He thought there were probably just some leftover clots that if he removed them it would slow the bleeding down. He did that in my room and said he would be close by if that didn't work.  (I have no idea the time frame for all of this.) In the meantime, baby girl was being snuggled by my sister-in-law while the parents were trying to process everything else that was going on. Also, I received a call from my Annie, she had left work and was about to get on the freeway to come up to Fresno (she's 4-1/2 hours away). I tried to talk her out of coming but as I was on the phone with her my doctor walked back in and said he had to take me back into surgery to do a d&c and place a balloon to help stop the bleeding. I hear "I'm coming" and Annie hung up.
  Back into the operating room, Dr I and Dr S are again working together and tell me they will place the balloon and then watch to make sure that stops the bleeding. If it doesn't then they will have to take out my uterus. I wake back up in my room and honestly can't remember much. I think baby girl is in the nursery and my siblings may have come in to visit me. I do remember the nurse lifting my gown  and me saying "Um...that's my brother at the end of the bed.". I guess there is no modesty when having a baby.
  The nurses were then regularly checking to make sure the balloon was working and the bleeding was slowing down. It did work, for a little while. Then Dr S came back in and said she had to take me back in to surgery to remove my uterus. The bleeding just wasn't stopping. They told Travis it would be about 1 to 1-1/2 hour surgery. They took me back in again (sometime around 3pm) and this time I was out very quickly. I remember opening my eyes and seeing my brothers and hearing Annie say she was my sister. I wanted to say something to them but I couldn't and then I fell back to sleep. The next time I woke up was the middle of the night, I was in a panic thinking I was choking and couldn't breathe. No one was in the room and I tried to call out to someone but I couldn't talk or move my hands. They were strapped down. The nurse came in and yelled at me to calm down. How could I calm down when I had no idea what was going on? She told me I had a breathing tube and my hands were tied to make sure I didn't pull it out. I finally calmed down and fell back to sleep. When I woke up again it was morning and my throat hurt. Again I felt like I was choking. I tried to sign letters of what I wanted but it was the same nurse and she just seemed annoyed and kept telling me to calm down. Dr S came in at some point and I just kept pointing to the tube to take it out. I hated it. She was finally the one who thought of getting me paper and a pen to write down what I needed to say and they let me have my hands free. The respiratory therapist came in about 10 to start the process to remove the tube. I had to breathe on my own with the tube still in for 30 minutes before he could take it out. I started choking and feeling like I couldn't breathe again and was terrified. I could even hear my mom getting worked up a little. I finally got through all that and he was able to remove it. That tube was the worst!
  I had visitors throughout the day and another doctor came in to tell us about the surgery. It ended up taking 3-1/2 to 4 hours because they couldn't stop the bleeding and they had to replace 11 liters of blood (according to him). After further discussion with Dr I and Dr S they had to have 4 doctors in the operating room trying to stop the bleeding. My body wouldn't clot the blood so any blood they transfused just kept coming out. Dr S said it was amazing though, the work of everyone in the operating room that through it all they were able to keep me stable. They did everything right and for that I am forever grateful. When Travis asked if it was life threatening Dr S said "absolutely". That was a difficult thing to hear.
  I spent the next few days in the hospital making sure my counts and vitals were good and then I was released to go home on Tuesday. It felt so good to go home. Everyone is now trying to get back into a routine. The IPs are spending time loving on their sweet baby girl along with grieving for their baby boy. I have had the opportunity to visit them twice and it does my heart good to watch them with her. Travis returned to work on Monday and I have been working from home.

Baby girl snuggles

  Thank you so very much for all of our friends and family that have blessed us with meals, cards, flowers and visits along with offers to help with the boys. Please forgive me for not responding to messages, I have read every one and appreciate the support and encouragement. We are also still trying to get answers, if there are any. There are days when darkness settles in my mind and I feel guilty...maybe this was my fault...what if we would have delivered the babies 1 week sooner...what if we missed something. Those days are difficult. People ask me how I'm feeling, I don't really know how to answer that. Physically, I'm doing better everyday. I'm up taking my kids to school and getting back to being a mom. I'm off the narcotics and only need to take Ibuprofen 1 or 2 times a day. And I'm pumping for baby girl, which is going well. Other than that, I don't know. We are just taking one day at a time. If you think of us, please continue to pray for healing and peace for us all, along with the staff at Clovis Community. I have heard that this has really shaken quite a few of them, one even decided to retire. Though we had much loss on that Friday we also have so much to be thankful for. There is a beautiful new baby girl who gets to be loved by amazing parents and God must have more for me to do here. Guess I better get busy. Love you all!

Reflection

One year ago I was recovering from a miscarriage. After 2 failed transfers earlier in the year we had finally gotten a positive blood test and we thought "this is it!" only to see an empty sac on the ultrasound. It was heartbreaking. We took time off to re-group, heal and decide what the next step would be. As I sit here tonight thinking back on the past 8 months I am so blessed and honored that they stuck it out and decided to try again.
This has been an amazing and completely different experience for me. When we looked on the ultrasound monitor and saw twins I didn't know if my body could do it. I had seen so many other women carrying twins end up on bed rest early on in the pregnancy and I thought I would end up there as well.  I warned my IPs not to get their hopes up because I had lost a twin before at 7 weeks. Each milestone came and went with the babies growing bigger and stronger and the excitement grew. With each milestone they felt more comfortable to share their news with a few more people. They were finally able to hope that this could be their chance to be parents. I am a surrogate because I want to give parents that chance. I have no control over what happens; only God is the maker of miracles and I want to be a part of that.
And now, we are just a few short days away from meeting the "twinkies". I am so excited. I'm excited to meet them but I am even more excited to see their parents meet them. Every test, pill, day of nausea, pound gained, stretch mark earned, tear cried and every tough day we walked through to get to delivery day is washed away by the overwhelming joy that comes from seeing intended parents holding their children. I would do it over and over again...it is worth it.
I know there is so much more to say but I just can't put my thoughts together, and I'm tired. Please think of and/or pray for us on Friday. The c-section is at 7:30 am. Also for the days and weeks following as the IPs transition to parenthood and I recover from surgery. We would greatly appreciate it.
So I thought it would be fun to guess the genders and the size of the babies. If you want to play just leave a comment on the blog itself or in the facebook comments where I will be sharing this. It will be interesting to see how close people get. Here is a hint...2 weeks ago at my ultrasound appointment they measured Baby A - 6lb 2oz  Baby B -6lb 6oz

Baby B -Look at that squishy little face

Because we don't know gender or names, I made them a basket of some of my favorite things. 

That book is my favorite "A family begins with a wish"

My last month of pregnancy bump pictures

             34 weeks                    35 weeks

     36 weeks                  37 weeks 

Our last few months..in a nutshell

  What have we been up to you may be wondering...because once again I've waited 3 months to write. Well, since we don't do anything simple, let me fill you in.

   For nearly 2 months we have had our kitchen under construction. We are so excited to finally have an open floor plan, a place to cook and invite friends over however, we still have about 4 weeks left but we are getting closer. Having no kitchen, kids home for the summer and being pregnant has been interesting but we're making it work. 

   As some of you may know, Travis and I are certified foster parents hoping to adopt someday. When we found out I was carrying twins we asked our agency to put our search on hold but that we would be willing to offer respite care for other foster parents who needed to find care for a few nights. We didn't want to take the risk of getting a placement and then me ending up on bedrest. Well, we got a text out of the blue on July 23rd from our matching social worker asking if we wanted to submit our home study for a newborn baby girl. We had previously been asked 3 other times during my pregnancy if we wanted to foster a newborn and we just didn't feel like it was right. This time felt different for both of us. The opportunity for her to be adopted was pretty high and we felt good about it so we said yes to submitting our home study. Waiting to hear back about a child possibly coming into your home seems like forever. Once we didn't hear for a few days we figured that we didn't get chosen and we received confirmation on Aug 4th that we in fact had not been. It was disappointing for sure but God knew it wasn't the right fit or the right time. I know there will be many more heartbreaks down this journey but I'm positive in the end it will be worth it.

Baby B is on top (profile picture). Baby A is on bottom (looking at us)

   Last week was a had another ultrasound and the babies looked perfect. They are weighing in at 4lb 10oz and 4lb 8oz which puts them in the 55th percentile. I'm a bit worried about how big they will end up if I carry them all the way to our c-section date. I did get a call from my doctor's office and we have an eviction date (planned c-section) of September 25th at 7:30am. Currently, that feels like forever away. I am getting to that point where nothing fits and I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable. I'm carrying over 9 lbs of baby which would normally be a pretty good size full term baby and my lower back is feeling it. I don't talk too much about the intended parents because they are private people and Fresno is small but they have been great. We get together every couple of weeks for dinner and catching up on things. The intended mother has made all of the ultrasounds which have been every 6 weeks with this pregnancy. I just love hearing their excitement grow as we get closer to delivery. They are starting to get the nursery together which they are doing in neutral because we have all decided not to find out the genders. It is going to be even more exciting at delivery.

  Since April I have been working on getting my real estate license. I took 3 online classes and have been recently studying almost every night for the exam. I took the test last Thursday and I passed!! So happy to be done with that. Now I just wait for the paperwork so I can file to get my license. Also, last week Travis and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary, went and met the boys' teachers and packed up our family to head to Shaver for a weekend of family camp. Travis and I both have been working full time over the summer and the boys have been attending a gymnastic camp so we thought this would be nice to get away before school started. We had a great time getting away, being out of the 100+ degree heat and disconnecting for the weekend. We made it home Sunday afternoon just in time to get ready to start school on Monday.

  If you read all of that, you're a trooper. That's been our life for the past few months. It's been crazy, but it's what we do. Now that the boys are back in school we should be settled into more of a routine...still crazy, but maybe a little more scheduled.

3 months later

I have officially dropped the ball on blogging this pregnancy.  It seems to be equivalent to a third child. They don't get as many pictures, their baby book only has a few stats and things you freaked out about with the first child really don't matter that much the third time around. This pregnancy is kind of feeling like that. I have taken weekly pictures but only 1 blog post in 20 weeks is pretty pathetic.
On that note, we made it to 20 weeks! I had an ultrasound last week and both babies looked great, measuring the same size and each weighing 12 ounces. IM (intended mother) was able to come and it was so special having the opportunity to watch her as she looked at her babies. There were tears and keepsake pictures. I was able to talk her out of finding out the genders but I'm not sure how much longer she will hold out. IF (intended father) wants to be surprised but IM is wavering. I keep trying to tell her how much more fun delivery is when you don't know the genders. We have ultrasounds every 6 weeks for now so there will be more chances to find out. We will see who can hold out the longest.

12 weeks

20 weeks

Besides feeling humongous I feel pretty good. I can feel babies moving around but am not able to distinguish between the 2. Even Travis has gotten to feel the little kicks. Braxton Hicks have started but thankfully they haven't turned into real contractions. Nausea finally tapered off around 16 weeks which was a Godsend because I was so over that. I haven't really had cravings except cherries, but that's my obsession every year at this time. And I've gained about 18 pounds so far (yikes!).  Now we're hopefully coasting for a while. Five more weeks until viability when we can breathe a little bit easier.
In other news, I stopped working for Valley PBS and started working as an assistant to a real estate broker in town and getting my real estate license. The boys are finishing off their school year (13 days to go, but who's counting) and we're all looking forward to summer vacation. This summer is going to be hot but with swimming pools and air conditioners we may be able to make it.
I think that is about all that is going on with us. I will try harder to post again but I can't make any promises. Thank you again for all of the support. I honestly couldn't do this without all of you who read, comment and encourage us along the way.
 

  9 weeks                  10 weeks

  11 weeks                      12 weeks

     13 weeks                   14 weeks

    

  15 weeks                  16 weeks

        

  17 weeks                      18 weeks

        

    19 weeks                 20 weeks

          

How Many?

Luckily I had so much to do today for work which kept my mind busy. I never make appointments in the afternoon, simply because I hate waiting all day but I wanted the IM to be there so we made it for 3:15. The appointment finally came around, I had picked up my mom to take her with me and met the IM at the office.

We got in the room and she started looking. "I see 2 sacs" she says as she scans from one ovary to the other. Then she goes back to take a closer look. "I see a heartbeat flicker on this one." Then she moves to the next sac. Baby B was tucked up in the corner of the sac. "This one is a little smaller but I see a heartbeat flicker on this one too." Wow! Twins!! She goes back to measure baby A who measures 6w6d with a heart rate of 121. Measuring 2 days big with a healthy heart rate. Then on to baby B who measures 6w2d with a heart rate of 125. Measuring 2 days smaller but also a healthy heart rate. I looked over and IM had tears in her eyes. It was priceless. This is the farthest they have ever gotten towards having a baby and she's never seen an ultrasound. It was such a special time and I  am so glad she was able to make it.

Baby A

Baby B

We went into another room and I got my paperwork to take to my ob along with my stop medication date. Of all the dates I get, the stop date is one of my favorites. After being on medication for the majority of 2014 and now for the start of 2015 I will be celebrating on March 13th. We also got our official due date of October 10th. We won't make it that far but it's good to know.

Because of my last surrogacy journey when I lost one of the twins around 7 weeks I will be holding my breath a little longer this time. I may start believing I could carry twins to term if we make it into the second trimester. I would love the opportunity to carry them both to term. Thank you for all the loving words of support and prayers today. It is always very much appreciated.

2 blood draws, an ultrasound appointment and take a guess

My life has been crazy busy lately. For those of you who don't know, I help put on workshops for parents in our local schools and we started our main workshops last week. We've been busy trying to iron out details and make sure they run smoothly. Besides that, my body has decided to catch a cold and afternoon sickness has started to creep in (not too bad). I don't know why it's called morning sickness, mine is more 2:00pm on sickness. Either way, I'm hopeful it doesn't get any worse than this.

Enough of the rambling...get to the good stuff. So Wednesday February 4th was my second blood draw. We just needed the numbers to double from Monday (1225). The level was 2716. My head was very cloudy that day and so I had to call back on Thursday for them to tell me again because I could barely remember the conversation we had. Yay for doubling! At that point they told me I had to have 2 more blood tests. I thought that was a bit excessive but they make the rules.

I went back again this past Monday February 9th and they wanted the number to be over 10,000 to be sure the pregnancy was progressing. I got a call and it was...23,539. Overachiever much? This baby wants us to know he/she is here to stay. I asked if I could skip the 4th blood test since my numbers were so high and they said yes and scheduled my ultrasound. We get to finally see how many babies are growing next Wednesday February 18th at 3:15pm. I always think it is fun to let people guess how many babies they think are growing. Please leave me a comment with your guess and I'll let you all know next Wednesday.

On another note, my first surro family is coming for a visit in a couple weeks and I am so excited to see them and take new pictures. I'll be sure to share. I'm so grateful that they allow me to be a part of their lives and watch their little one grow. Can't wait to give you snuggles K.

Farewell my friend

 Yesterday I had the privileged to attend the funeral of my dear friend, Edna. It was a full day event of tears, laughter, family, friends, food, music and lots of great memories. Edna herself had planned out every detail and her loving husband and good friends carried it out beautifully. We arrived at St. John's cathedral in downtown Fresno. A gorgeous Catholic church in the heart of Fresno. As everyone arrived there was a mariachi band playing out in front. We went and sat down and they proceeded with a traditional Catholic mass. I loved how the priest told us that as believers, we aren't saying goodbye to our friend, just farewell. 

Once that had concluded we went to St. Peter's cemetery for her burial. Being a state correctional officer she was honored with the firing of the guns and a flag presented to her husband. The pallbearers placed their boutonniere on her casket and then her family placed theirs. Finally, they placed her in her spot on this giant wall and played Amazing Grace. As emotional as everything was, it was a perfect service. 

Everyone then headed to the reception where they showed a lovely montage of her life, served delicious food and had friends and family share some of their favorite memories of her. I didn't have the courage to stand and speak at the reception so here is mine now..My name is Johanna and I had the great privilege to play soccer with Edna. The month I turned 25 my brother invited me to come play with the team he played with. Edna allowed me to play with only the credentials that I was Jason's sister. You see, she didn't let just anyone play on her team so I was honored. She wanted us to be family so she was cautious about who she let on the team. She worked hard to keep us together, even paying our league fees when we flaked and didn't get them in on time. She loved soccer and the people she played with. When her disease progressed I wanted to help so I stepped in the role of helping to manage the team. I can see now how hard she worked and how much she cared for this team. I am very honored that she trusted me to take over what she has worked so hard to keep together. And I feel like I have a huge responsibility to her and to our team that we continue to stick together, treat each other like family and play as she would want us to. Thank you my dear friend for inviting me into your family. I will miss you every day but know you will always be with me. Until we see each other again...I love you.

The handsome pallbearers

Lastly, we packed up the flowers and returned to the cemetery to enjoy a drink and some music, just laughing, reminiscing, dancing and enjoying the fellowship. That was my favorite part because we all knew she would have loved that.

My Soccer Family

The last time she played with us - a year ago

At the "after party" - The guys

The girls

Transfer and 1st Beta

I'm so sorry I haven't undated but those of you who don't know, a dear friend of mind passed away last week and I moved my kiddos to a different school. So I have been a little preoccupied.

So, I showed up to my transfer at 10:00 for a 10:30 transfer with my awesome supporter, my mom. Things were a little hectic in the office and they didn't start the transfer until about 11:15. Once I got in the room both of the doctors who work there were in the room to help each other. I said "oh I get the VIP treatment" and one of them said "we want you to get pregnant". I said "yeah, that would be nice". Everything went perfectly. They had 9 out of the 10 embryos make it to day 5 so they picked the 2 very best and were able to freeze 7. Once he was done he said the transfer went very smoothly and I even got to see the 2 little white dots on the ultrasound machine. Very cool.

I came home and laid on my couch for 2 days. That was blissful. Then, because I'm addicted to home pregnancy tests, I started testing Saturday night. Yes I know, that was only 2 days after my transfer. But with 30 home tests what else am I supposed to do? Well, it was negative of course. Then Sunday night I tested with one of the "good" tests. In my world, this is the first response brand. I saw a line..wait, is it a line. Yes, totally a line. I brought in Travis to look "I think I see something". Not quite dark enough to take a picture and post to other surrogate friends. (This is what we do..we take pictures, post it to our secret groups and analyze each others home pregnancy tests. Don't judge.) Monday morning I took another one and it was definitely there. I was elated. Finally, this is it!

I took a few more to make sure it got darker and sure enough it did. I could take a little breath knowing the pregnancy hormone was rising making the possibility of a chemical pregnancy a lot less. I still had to wait until today (11dp5dt) to get the first beta number to feel even better that this pregnancy was progressing. I couldn't wait any longer so I called the doctor. I was put on hold and when the girl came back she said "we have your results and they look good...your beta is 1225." WHAT??? This number is outrageous. I had to ask her to repeat herself because I was floored. Just to give you a perspective, the last successful surrogacy of mine started off with twins and that number was 478. Granted, it was drawn 2 days earlier but still, this is a very high number. I'm a little concerned there is a litter growing in there. They told me I have to go back on Wednesday to make sure the number increases. We are hoping that it at least doubles and then I will be scheduled for an ultrasound. So, I have to wait until then to actually find out how many babies are growing. The doctors did only transfer 2 (I made sure) however, there is always a possibility they could split. I'm just happy we have a strong beta and we will take each day as it comes. I will try to update on Wednesday but it is going to be a long emotional day for me, but I'll do my best.