My Grandparent's house

I didn't think it would be so hard knowing my grandparent's house would be sold. I am really good at pushing things away and not thinking about them and therefore not feeling anything about them. But as I looked at the listing of my grandparent's and the pictures that were posted I was overwhelmed with sadness. Sadness that I will never again go back there and visit them. Sadness that I will never again make new memories in that house. Sadness that my children will never visit their great grandparents and make their own memories.



Travis and I had talked about taking a trip back to Massachusetts this spring to visit my grandfather and letting our kids experience what I had when I was a child. It seemed like a whole different world back there. It was so quiet and peaceful back there. There was a freshness in the air that smelled so sweet. No one rushed around to do anything, except to get to church on time. There is a playground 3 houses down from my grandparent's house where I spent the summer swinging on the swings and dreaming of the future. My brothers and I would play basketball and then run off into the forest behind the playground while our imaginations ran wild. I met a boy and had a summer fling that quickly fizzled when I left paradise. We watched our younger cousins grow up each year we visited and saw ourselves growing too as the thought of a wiffle ball game seemed too tiring and we gladly chose instead a game of cribbage or dominoes with our grandfather.




I look at the pictures and still see my grandparents sitting in their recliners watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune (shows they never missed), my grandfather falling asleep in his chair and my grandmother knitting. The back screen stands strong now after years of it never sliding right since I ran right through it one year with excitement to hug my grandparents. The back loft has a railing now which never did as we grew up. We would love to go up there and look through "treasures" to see what we could find to play with.


The yellow room was always the one I stayed in. Since I was the only girl my brothers had to sleep in the stifling hot attic as I got my own room. The computer used to be in the same room as me and so I could always stay up late chatting with friends back home. I was always homesick for them but knew I wouldn't be able to come back to Massachusetts for a visit for awhile and needed to enjoy my time.


The other room with the hardwood floors was always for my mother and father when he came. And in the final upstairs room lived a man who drank his life away. He lived in such a depression that no one could reach him until last year when his body could not handle the strain of all the years of smoking and drinking. He was my uncle and I was his princess. The alcohol changed him and he wasn't very nice when he drank, but I loved him... I love him.


So now, with all of the rooms empty, the house needs a new family to make new memories. It is hard to say goodbye but life goes on even when family members are gone and houses get sold. So I will hang my grandparent's cockoo clock in my house and remember the good times and I will go on making memories with my family so when I am gone they will have good memories to carry them on.

Dealing with disappointment

Disappointment is not something I am very good at dealing with. I usually let myself fall into a funk, eat too much chocolate and then feel worse. Well, I'm working on that. Luckily, last Tuesday when I received the latest news about my surrogacy journey I was on a strict diet and passed up the chocolate. If you know me at all that was extremely difficult.

So, here's the catch up. Sunday morning my body decided to kick in gear and so the next day I would need an ultrasound for the monitoring to start. Monday just happened to be a holiday and there were no radiology clinics open in Fresno. So we went to church in the morning, I came home and packed, picked up my awesome sister-in-law Kara (who so kindly agreed to come with me) and we headed down south to stay the night with T and F. I had a 9:00 am appointment with the doctor on Monday morning. I was so excited that I was able to start introducing T and F to my family. We all had dinner together and then the three of us girls sat on the comfy couch and chatted until way too late. We were all able to have breakfast together the next morning and then went our separate ways. I guess only Fresno people celebrate President's day and close all their offices because T and F both had to work. We made it to the doctor's office and had my testing done without too much of a wait. I made sure and asked them three times if I could leave so I wouldn't get a call in an hour (on my way home) to come back in. We were all done and headed back to Fresno. Six hours later, thanks to stop and go traffic, we made it home safely.

I received a call that night that said my levels were too high and I needed to go in the next morning for another ultrasound and blood work. Luckily I had made an appointment at the radiology office on Friday just in case I needed it. And sure enough I did. I had my ultrasound and then waited an hour at Quest to get 2 small vials of blood done. (Note to anyone who goes to Quest...make an appointment). I got home in just enough time to turn around and leave again to go deliver candles. So, pretty much I had been running non-stop for 3 days. I was a wreck, my kids did not know what was going on but lucky for me, my husband was a rock.

I once again got a call Tuesday night with results from the tests I had done earlier in the day. It turned out my levels went up, which was bad. The physician assistant told me that my body released an egg on birth control, which is also bad. So, with all of our racing and planning and controlling we had to scrap this cycle and start again next month. I was so upset. I felt that I had let down T and F. That the last month of hurrying to get everything done was just a waste. I was just heartsick. I let myself fall into my usual funk and then decided that I would look at the blessings of us having to wait. My brother is getting married in the end of March and the transfer won't be until after that which means I can go and party and not worry about if I am pregnant or not. I had wanted to get in better shape before I got pregnant again and now I have more time. F and I talked and we decided that we will take the disappointment now if it means a baby when the time is right. I should have known better than to hurry up God. He is not one to be hurried or pushed and I am not to try and take control of things. A lesson that I shouldn't have to learn more than once but shockingly, I do.

So this week I have kept it low key. I have been loving on my boys and just enjoying time with them. Those three days were hard on us all and we are not used to being so busy. I am going to enjoy the next few stress, appointment and medication free weeks until we get to start this all over again.

Breathe

Breathe....it feels good to breathe. It's a little weird that I have to remind myself to do that but I feel like I haven't taken a real breath this week. We have been racing to make a deadline. Racing to get lab work back, racing to get paperwork in, racing to get the contract signed and a clearance letter issued, racing to make a March 10th transfer date. I was told F and I could basically pick the transfer date we wanted. I thought this would be great. I could plan babysitting and Travis wouldn't have to miss any work. So we had our heart initially set on March 5th until we realized that even with our hard work and racing we can't control lab results or doctors or lawyers so we set a new date of March 10th. We really got into gear this week to get all of our stuff in and by Thursday we had done it. All of the puzzle pieces were in order and the doctor could finally issue me the protocol to prepare my body for a baby. There was one thing we never planned on... the human body.

We could plan and try to control everything but we cannot control how a body will take to medications or if it will cycle at the right time. I realized that there is no way to plan a baby. Not with meds, not the natural way, it is all on God. This should have been a big relief to me that I am not in control and that this is in the hands of the most powerful God. But of course, the planner that I am stressed over it. I am going to need an ultrasound in a few days but there is no telling which day it will be and lucky us no place in Fresno is open on the weekends or on holidays so if I need an ultrasound I have to go down south to get it. Then we have to wait for the ultrasound to determine when the transfer date will be.

The worry of not knowing the future has always been a sin issue that I have struggled with. I wish in the midst of my worry I would focus on these words "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34 And yet when I am so wrapped up in the business and the racing I do not seek his kingdom and his righteousness. Perhaps this weekend, with nothing on our agenda, I can focus on that and give my anxiety to God. This will not be the last time in this journey that I will have high anxiety and I will need to remember these words.