Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Another path

The girls have been gone 3-1/2 weeks and life has quieted only in the sense that there is less noise in the house.  The boys started school and we are just as busy.  They go to different schools now since Sawyer was picked from the drawing to attend Bullard Talent.  We have been making it work and trying to get back into the habit of doing homework everyday.  So far, it has been a battle...Every. Single. Day!  I know it will get easier once we get into the routine.  It really helps that the boys at least enjoy school.  I really struggled with the idea of sending them to different schools but they have adjusted well and enjoy the fun things they get to do at each of their schools.

My cutie patooties first day of school

Through social media we have learned that the girls' case was dismissed and they were returned back to their bio parents.  We pray for them and for their parents to make better choices this time.  God loves these girls more than we do and we have to trust that he will care for them.  Even though it was difficult with them in our home we miss them and wish we could get updates.  The boys have asked to see them and don't understand why we may never see them again. So far that seems to be the hardest part; hoping and praying that they are doing well but never knowing for sure.

So for the past 5 months we have been walking another path we have not shared with many.  Another surrogacy journey.  We met a wonderful couple in May of 2013 and had been building a relationship with them until we felt it was ready to begin the process.  We figured we would start in the beginning of 2014.  As many of you know or have read in my blog, the surrogacy process can simply be described as a roller coaster ride.  And this one was just that.

Transfer #1

We were finally ready to transfer on April 26th.  One year and two days after the birth of my last surro baby and they day before my little man's birthday. Finally the day had come that we could start their story to a family.  We transferred 2 fresh, beautiful embryos.  We waited our dreaded 10 days until the blood draw...negative.  What?  How could that be? This had never happened to me before and I couldn't understand it.  How could it not work? Everything looked perfect. This couldn't be happening.

Transfer #2

They had 7 embryos left so we decided to try again. June 18th came and we transferred 2 more embryos, this time they told me the embryos looked "okay".  This didn't give me as much hope but "not so great" embryos have made beautiful babies before so it could happen for us.  Another 10 days of waiting...negative.  Again?? Are you kidding me?  I just couldn't wrap my head around why this wasn't working for us when it happened the first time for both of my other journeys.  I felt terrible.

Transfer #3

During that last transfer they had to thaw 3 of the embryos because 1 of them did not make the thaw.  So they had 2 remaining.  They wanted to give those last 2 a try and we all crossed our fingers that the third time would be the charm. The week before I was so afraid I would show up to transfer and they would tell me the embryos didn't make the thaw and all of the hormones I had been taking would be for nothing.  I didn't receive a call before my transfer so I showed up, once more, with hope that this would finally be it.  They transferred the last 2 embryos.  The doctor said everything looked great and we had a 50% chance this would work.  It had to, we didn't have any more chances.  Another 10 day wait...positive!  Beta came back at 67.  This was a lower beta than I had ever gotten but it was positive.  Two days later I had to go back and get tested again and all we needed was for that number to double.  It did...157.  With each blood test we held on to a little more hope.  I had to return for my last beta the next Monday.  It came back at 2309.

 It was rising just as they would like to see. Finally we get to schedule the ultrasound which has always been my favorite part. The moment the parents get to see their baby for the first time. Unfortunately the IPs were not going to be able to make it so I took my mom. We showed up September 2nd excited to see the little one moving around.  She started the exam and looked a little confused.  She was fairly new so I thought it was just taking some time for her to examine everything before she got to seeing the baby.  Then I looked on the screen and saw a big beautiful gestational sac, the first thing that attaches and grows.  But there wasn't anything inside.  She left to go get another tech to make sure she wasn't missing anything. She wasn't able to see anything either.  So she sent me to go get another blood test and said she would like to see it between 15000 and 20000 and if it wasn't then we would know for sure that it wasn't a viable pregnancy.  I received a call later that day..17,817. We still have hope.

The whole next week I held on to that number and the fact that I was feeling sick.  I returned for another ultrasound yesterday so nervous and still hopeful that the baby was just hiding.  Still no baby.  Once more I am left confused and can't understand why this isn't happening for them.  I share this because surrogacy isn't always babies and happy endings. This is the heartbreaking part.  It's heartbreaking to know that there was absolutely nothing else you could do and yet they still don't have a baby. As surrogates we know it is not our fault but it is so hard to be the keeper of their dreams and then bear the weight of their disappointment.
Our family has seen a lot of disappointment and loss in these last 5 months so we are taking a small break. We are taking time to re-group and decide what is next for us as far as fostering and surrogacy.  I don't know what my IPs are planning to do next but I understand that we all need time to grieve. Thank you all so much for your continued support and prayers for our family. We really would not have been able to keep moving forward with out it.