Monday, May 23, 2011

A week of house arrest

Last Wednesday night I received a call from Dr. H. I actually missed the call and as I was listening to the voice mail I started getting a little worried. First of all I never get a call from her, so just hearing her voice alone was enough to put some panic in my heart. As I was on my way to a fundraiser presentation I am desperately trying to get her back on the phone to find out what is going on. It is seriously like trying to get the president on the phone with the amount of calls and effort it takes to talk to this woman. So as I am waiting for a return call everything is running through my head as to what hurdles we are about to face next.

She finally calls me back as I am almost to the school and she informs me that I have a blood clot in my uterus. She mentions it was there the week before but she hadn't told me about it thinking it would be gone by that weeks appointment. It hadn't gotten any larger but the fact that it was still there worried her a little. She told me that she didn't want to underplay the situation and end up losing the baby. She ordered me on "house arrest" (just slightly less strict than bed rest) until my ultrasound tomorrow.

For anyone who knows me, you know this has been a very difficult week for me relying on other people to take care of my kids and my house. But I am so grateful for the family and friends who have stepped up and helped and are continuing to help without expecting anything in return. Through this whole process I am reminded of God's love for his children. We are able to love one another because He first loved us. The family and friends who have stepped up to selflessly give to my family know what it means to love and have shown Christ-like love.

Thank you to my mom who took my children one morning so that I could get some rest. To my mother-in-law who weekly takes one of my boys so they could have some one on one attention. To Jill for bringing dinner numerous times. To Kara for bringing me things I am currently craving and for doing my dishes. To Megan for loving on my children like they are your own, making cool veggie pizza, Rice Krispies treats and for cleaning my house. To Tracey for bringing my family dinner. To Brittany for all of your help with fundraising. To my husband who has stepped up and taken care of whatever needs to be done, taken the boys so that I can rest I am sorry if I missed someone. Finally, to all of you who have prayed for our journey. It takes a village to raise a baby, but clearly sometimes it takes a village to bring a baby into this world; and I am grateful for the village of people I have supporting our family.

56. Sunshine - oh the warmth on my shoulders

57. The imagination of little boys

58. Chasing butterflies

59. Water play

60. Sandboxes

61. Little boy kisses

62. Hot pink toenails

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Laziness has taken over

I didn't realize it would be so hard to keep my blog up to date during all of this but I have kind of put it on the bottom of my priority list and sleeping toward the top. I don't remember being this tired and I'm sure I felt better with my other pregnancies, but this is a completely different pregnancy and I was prepared for it (well, kind of).

I actually have no idea where the days have gone but they are in fact gone. I am desperately trying not to wish this time away but I find myself daily wishing for bedtime or at least the arrival of Travis home from work. He has been amazing in taking care of the kids and the house while I lazily sit on the couch and ask for things to be brought to me. I am surprised he has put up with it but blessed that God has given him such a serving heart. I don't mean to be lazy but by 3 or 4 in the afternoon I feel the worst and it takes every ounce of energy to keep my eyes open. Maybe I'm just being a baby and should suck it up because it could be so much worse. Either way, when I'm finished with this blog I'm headed back to my favorite place on the couch until the boys wake up when I will beg them to play quietly outside for 10 more minutes so I can rest just a little longer.

We've had two more ultrasounds since the last time I posted and the little bean just keeps growing. I have been able to see the heartbeat and it is just amazing. What is fun in this pregnancy is that I get an ultrasound every week so I get to see how the baby grows from one week to the next. I have thought about it before when I was carrying my children, but it is simply amazing how a baby forms from cells. In just that alone I can see the awesomeness of God and his infinite power. If he can do that does he not have the power to do anything?

7 weeks

8 weeks

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ultrasound results

This journey of surrogacy is one that no one can prepare you for. I had a desire in my heart to help a family more than a year ago. I did research and found a support group but even then no one can clearly explain what you will go through carrying a child for someone else.

We have just begun and I can't really put into words the emotions that have raced through me every single day since I first came in contact with T and F. Today I think has been the hardest day for me so far.

Last Wednesday I went in for my first ultrasound and I was so excited to finally see something. I have the best ultrasound tech and I ask for her every time. She started the ultrasound and sure enough there was one little sac clear as day. It was so wonderful to see. Finally, the fun part begins, we get to see the baby grow and develop. We got finished and I was on my way. I had to stop in at the lab to get more blood work done to check my levels. As I was leaving I received a call from the technician saying the radiologist had seen something on the ultrasound scans and I needed to go back in.

Nancy, my ultrasound tech, was looking and looking and sure enough there was a second sac. The second one had been hiding on my right side. It was a little smaller than the other one but it was clearly there. I was so excited. Twins! I had already called F to let her know they saw one sac but now I get to call her back and tell her there are actually two. I was told that I wouldn't necessarily carry both of them and that we could lose one but I was still excited for the possibility of twins.

We all went about our week trying to not focus on today's ultrasound. I had been so excited all week for this next one to finally be able to see the babies. I wanted to see that they were really there. Then last night for some reason I just had a terrible fear that I had lost the babies. I know it was the devil trying to get to me but I haven't really been feeling pregnant except for being tired and that could just be from being so busy. So I was really anxious for the appointment today.

I went into my appointment and Nancy started the exam. She found one of the sacs big and beautiful. As she was looking around I saw the other one still small. I asked her if we lost that one and she said yes. I had tried to prepare my heart to hear that but I had continued to pray that both would grow healthy. God had other plans for that second baby. So we started looking at the big and beautiful sac and as I was looking I told her, "I don't see anything." I was starting to panic a little. She had a worried look on her face but kept looking and still nothing. I asked her if she could see anything and she said no but that we would take a look inside when she was done. I just lost it. I started crying and thinking about having to tell T and F that we lost both babies after making it this far. I was trying to hold in my tears so she could keep looking but they were streaming down my face. All of a sudden Nancy says, "there it is the yolk sac and the fetal pole, right there, did you see the flicker?" Through my tears I couldn't see anything except the relieved look on her face as she examined closer. She says, "hiding, just like kids do."

She then did the internal ultrasound and we could see it so much better. The baby measured at 5 weeks and 6 days, almost exactly where it should be. The heartbeat clocked in at 114 bpm, a beautiful rate. I was so relieved at that very moment that one little baby was still in there and still growing.

But it has been a little hard for me today. I had been pregnant with two very special miracles even if it was for a short time. I believe that life starts at conception and with that belief I feel like I lost one of T and F's baby. I feel a little like I failed in keeping their children safe. I know it is all in God's hands and timing but what if I didn't do something right or what if I could have done something different then both of their children would still be growing inside me. It is hard to fight the feelings.

Oh the heartbreak of all the women out there who have lost children. So grateful for an awesome God who holds those women as they weep and who cares for the children who were lost until one day they will be reunited.

Easter and a 3 year old birthday

The last week and a half have been so busy. I have been exhausted and just the thought of sitting down and putting words together to make sentences seemed overwhelming. Sorry for the lack of posts but I slept instead.

I wanted to put up a few pictures from the past couple of weeks so I will share briefly a few of our celebrations. Our Easter was really nice. We woke up and the boys found little chocolate eggs that the Easter bunny left around our front room. They looked through their Easter baskets and then began the day with eating way too much candy. Besides the main focus of celebrating the resurrection, eating too much candy is the second most important thing of Easter right?

We got dressed and went over to my parent's house to enjoy brunch. I love this tradition mainly because breakfast food is my favorite. If I could eat it for every meal I probably would. Yum, I'm thinking omelet for dinner tonight. Sorry, I think about food a lot. We enjoyed a nice meal and then had an Easter egg hunt with my boys. That is always fun but I am still waiting on cousins to join the crew so there will be more children to hunt for eggs. Hint, hint to my sister-in-laws. My sisters and brothers gave my boys little Easter bags with bubbles along with other things so we spent the rest of the morning chasing bubbles.

Everyone left and we all went home to take a nap. Oh, my favorite thing to do these days. I just wish I didn't get woken up everyday the moment I fall asleep. Thank you Sawyer. After our attempted nap we went over to Travis' grandparent's house to have dinner with his family. The full day of ham was delicious. We spent the afternoon and evening with them and then came home. Shockingly, my children were losing it. Hmmm, I wonder if it was from all of the candy? We finally made it to bedtime. It actually happened to be a really nice day.

After Easter came Hudson's birthday. That was last Wednesday the 27th. His birthday kind of crept up on me. April had been such a crazy month that I didn't leave much time to plan anything for him. We decided to have birthday donuts and then go to the zoo. The boys just love going to the zoo and never get tired of it. We made it there and when we walked around the corner, Travis was there to surprise us. It was so nice for him to be able to join us for a little while. We walked around the zoo and played in the dino dig. Another favorite part of the zoo. I love it because on the days when all of the school kids go to the zoo, they never go into the dino dig. After the zoo we decided to go to McDonald's play place for lunch. It is just so nice to let the kids climb on the structures and not worry about them running off somewhere. Then they can get a little more energy out. We came home from there and the boys laid down for a rest while I made cupcakes.

Travis came home and we had dinner and cupcakes together outside. Jill came over and brought Hudson a little birthday present and hung out with us for a little while. It turned out to be a pretty special day. We are having a little birthday party with family this Saturday so I will post more pictures then and share more about my little man.