Saturday, February 26, 2011

Dealing with disappointment

Disappointment is not something I am very good at dealing with. I usually let myself fall into a funk, eat too much chocolate and then feel worse. Well, I'm working on that. Luckily, last Tuesday when I received the latest news about my surrogacy journey I was on a strict diet and passed up the chocolate. If you know me at all that was extremely difficult.

So, here's the catch up. Sunday morning my body decided to kick in gear and so the next day I would need an ultrasound for the monitoring to start. Monday just happened to be a holiday and there were no radiology clinics open in Fresno. So we went to church in the morning, I came home and packed, picked up my awesome sister-in-law Kara (who so kindly agreed to come with me) and we headed down south to stay the night with T and F. I had a 9:00 am appointment with the doctor on Monday morning. I was so excited that I was able to start introducing T and F to my family. We all had dinner together and then the three of us girls sat on the comfy couch and chatted until way too late. We were all able to have breakfast together the next morning and then went our separate ways. I guess only Fresno people celebrate President's day and close all their offices because T and F both had to work. We made it to the doctor's office and had my testing done without too much of a wait. I made sure and asked them three times if I could leave so I wouldn't get a call in an hour (on my way home) to come back in. We were all done and headed back to Fresno. Six hours later, thanks to stop and go traffic, we made it home safely.

I received a call that night that said my levels were too high and I needed to go in the next morning for another ultrasound and blood work. Luckily I had made an appointment at the radiology office on Friday just in case I needed it. And sure enough I did. I had my ultrasound and then waited an hour at Quest to get 2 small vials of blood done. (Note to anyone who goes to Quest...make an appointment). I got home in just enough time to turn around and leave again to go deliver candles. So, pretty much I had been running non-stop for 3 days. I was a wreck, my kids did not know what was going on but lucky for me, my husband was a rock.

I once again got a call Tuesday night with results from the tests I had done earlier in the day. It turned out my levels went up, which was bad. The physician assistant told me that my body released an egg on birth control, which is also bad. So, with all of our racing and planning and controlling we had to scrap this cycle and start again next month. I was so upset. I felt that I had let down T and F. That the last month of hurrying to get everything done was just a waste. I was just heartsick. I let myself fall into my usual funk and then decided that I would look at the blessings of us having to wait. My brother is getting married in the end of March and the transfer won't be until after that which means I can go and party and not worry about if I am pregnant or not. I had wanted to get in better shape before I got pregnant again and now I have more time. F and I talked and we decided that we will take the disappointment now if it means a baby when the time is right. I should have known better than to hurry up God. He is not one to be hurried or pushed and I am not to try and take control of things. A lesson that I shouldn't have to learn more than once but shockingly, I do.

So this week I have kept it low key. I have been loving on my boys and just enjoying time with them. Those three days were hard on us all and we are not used to being so busy. I am going to enjoy the next few stress, appointment and medication free weeks until we get to start this all over again.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Breathe feels good to breathe. It's a little weird that I have to remind myself to do that but I feel like I haven't taken a real breath this week. We have been racing to make a deadline. Racing to get lab work back, racing to get paperwork in, racing to get the contract signed and a clearance letter issued, racing to make a March 10th transfer date. I was told F and I could basically pick the transfer date we wanted. I thought this would be great. I could plan babysitting and Travis wouldn't have to miss any work. So we had our heart initially set on March 5th until we realized that even with our hard work and racing we can't control lab results or doctors or lawyers so we set a new date of March 10th. We really got into gear this week to get all of our stuff in and by Thursday we had done it. All of the puzzle pieces were in order and the doctor could finally issue me the protocol to prepare my body for a baby. There was one thing we never planned on... the human body.

We could plan and try to control everything but we cannot control how a body will take to medications or if it will cycle at the right time. I realized that there is no way to plan a baby. Not with meds, not the natural way, it is all on God. This should have been a big relief to me that I am not in control and that this is in the hands of the most powerful God. But of course, the planner that I am stressed over it. I am going to need an ultrasound in a few days but there is no telling which day it will be and lucky us no place in Fresno is open on the weekends or on holidays so if I need an ultrasound I have to go down south to get it. Then we have to wait for the ultrasound to determine when the transfer date will be.

The worry of not knowing the future has always been a sin issue that I have struggled with. I wish in the midst of my worry I would focus on these words "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34 And yet when I am so wrapped up in the business and the racing I do not seek his kingdom and his righteousness. Perhaps this weekend, with nothing on our agenda, I can focus on that and give my anxiety to God. This will not be the last time in this journey that I will have high anxiety and I will need to remember these words.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine's day has always been a very disappointing holiday for me. When I was in high school and I didn't have a boyfriend I was sad that all the other girls carried around flowers or balloons and I wished I had that. Then when I had a boyfriend he didn't go to the same school as me and I always expected the impossible. I always had really high expectations of this holiday. I imagined it would be as special as in the movies. The guy would show up with an amazing bouquet of flowers with a poem that only professional writers could write and would sweep me off my feet. Needless to say, that never happened.

Then I got married. Never again would I have to spend a Valentine's day alone. My husband would definitely make a big deal of Valentine's day. I mean it is the day of love and since he loved me so much he would be able to come up with the most creative ways to show me he loved me. Each Valentine's day would come and go and I would be disappointed because my expectations were beyond reachable. God did not wire Travis to read my mind and have these amazingly creative ideas of how to romance me and show me he loved me in the way I wanted him to with such grand gestures.

So this year I did not have any expectations. We decided to go to dinner tomorrow night so we did not have to fight other people for a table and just spend time together. The boys and I made cards and cupcakes for him. He came home early and made dinner for us while we enjoyed watching Newsies. I felt the love he had for me in the way he served our family. We went to the store and bought flowers for me to plant tomorrow. Those are my favorite kind of flowers to get. The kind that will last longer than a week. Thank you my dearest valentine for making me feel so loved today and always.

29. Cupcakes decorated and frosted by 2 cute little boys.

30. Chicken fettuccine Alfredo.

31. Newsies - one of my all time favorites.

32. Strawberries - I can't believe how good they taste already.

33. Flowers.

34. Boys chasing the dog around the house.

35. Family movie night - cuddling under blankets in the middle of the front room.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Almost there and a birthday

I received a call last night from the psychologist saying she got the test results for my MMPI (longest exam of my life). In her famous last words, I am "the right kind of crazy for this journey". Those are her favorite words "the right kind of crazy". I personally think she is a little crazy, but that doesn't matter because I am cleared! She told me that it is hard when "moral" people take this kind of test because it shows them as being rigid in there thinking. So I guess I'm rigid because I'm not afraid of the dark, I don't smash things when I'm angry, I love my parents and I generally think the best of people. If that is the case then thank you. I will gladly be called "rigid". She made it sound like a bad thing. I know if I were looking for someone to carry my baby I would want someone with very high morals which is exactly what F told her. All we care about is one more hoop checked off and that much closer to starting the exciting stuff... the meds and getting pregnant.

Today we were able to celebrate my younger brother's birthday. My brother Jim, whom I lovingly call Jimbo turned 27 yesterday. I love celebrations with my family. We all get together and it is loud and busy and so much fun. My boys get so excited that they get a little crazy then we add cake and it is pure madness. I wouldn't change it for the world. My brother Jim is one of the greatest guys I know. When we were growing up we were always on the same team. We both have red hair and my other two brothers have brown hair so it was the redheads against the brownies. We hardly ever won whatever game we were playing but we were the team with the worst tempers. Both of us with red hair, tempers just came with the territory. We had so much fun together. I would love when people would ask us if we were twins. I would always say yes (even though he is 2 years younger than me). Now, him standing almost a foot taller than me, we could no longer pass for twins.

He is a man of incredible character. I am amazed at the man is he and am blessed to call him my brother and the godfather to my oldest son. He is a godly man made in the image of Christ and he lives up to that. He is sweet, loving, strong and has an amazing sense of humor. He can always make me laugh and when I think back on fond memories of us growing up, most of them I am laughing. He is also a great writer and if he were writing this it would be much more eloquent but I guess I have to start writing my own things now (he has written every speech for every wedding for our family and friends). I just wanted to take a moment to talk about him and celebrate him in my own small way. Happy birthday Jimbo, I love you.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Grateful On Thursday

This week has been a trying week. I think about my week and what comes to mind are these hearts my children have made in Bible study classes. On one side is white with cotton glued on and the other side has this black rough sand paper. They talk about what kind of heart we should have. Well this week, I've had a black rough poky heart. I have been feeling so frustrated and inconvenienced as if this world revolves around me. Poor me that I have to go to the lab twice, poor me that tests results are taking longer than necessary, poor me...

So, as I was wallowing in my own self pity I realized that I needed to open my eyes and see the blessings that are screaming at me. Hello!!! Look around or you're going to miss it. I now have 3-1/2 days of this week I will never get back but now I must choose how I will spend the rest of today, tomorrow and the days to come. I missed doing my list on Monday of things I am grateful for and so I will do them today.

21. God's grace for when I am done wallowing, he welcomes me home.

22. A successful fundraiser that totally surpassed my expectations.

23. No wait time for my second trip to the lab.

24. Pee in a cup. When Travis went to the lab to do his lab work he fainted. We realized one test was missing and were glad they just needed pee the second time.

25. Acorns with "hats" and the new knowledge that if you drop a rock on them the hats will pop off.

26. Solar energy. Can't wait for a lower energy bill.

27. Squirt bottles that keep my kids busy for hours.

28. Nap time.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Dedicated to T and the OC

I have sat down multiple times to try and write this blog. Nothing is coming to me. I can easily share the details of my trip down south but the emotions that were felt are difficult for me to put into words. So, I guess I'll start with the details and hope the rest will come.

I left Friday morning about 9:15 and headed down the freeway on the most beautiful day. I was so grateful not to be driving in the fog. That would have been a nightmare. I got down there in plenty of time to grab a Starbucks and chat for a bit. As I stood outside Starbucks waiting for F my excitement grew like a child on Christmas morning. She and T were my gift from God. The first thing I said when I saw her was "you're taller than I thought." It is funny that pictures do not really tell the whole story. For some reason I thought they were around my height but I was really wrong. They are both quite a bit taller than me.

We chatted for a bit and then went in to meet the doctor and start the testing. F had told me how nice everyone was in the doctor's office but they truly were the nicest women I could have met. The doctor is amazing and I am so blessed that she is working with all of us. I love how every step of this process I can see God's hand in this and he definitely hand picked her for this journey. She performed my medical test and said everything looked good. We signed consents and literally ran out the door to go meet the psychologist to get that testing done and out of the way. I was not really looking forward to talking with her. I mean, who likes having their head examined in that way? I sat with her for over an hour so she could ask me questions and try and understand who I really am, how I look at things and if I am right for this process. By then it was 7:15 (I had been going non-stop for 13 hours) I was tired and hungry and hoped it would go quickly. She also wanted me to do the MMPI (look it up). It is a test with 567 True and False questions. Plus 50 complete the sentence questions based on my marriage. Ugg! I would have rather had more medical testing than do those tests. Luckily she let me take that home or I would have been in her office until 10 or later.

I finally got out of there and went to F and T's house. They graciously offered for me to stay with them so I would not have to drive home after a long day. Now it was time to meet T. Once again I was so excited as I drove the short distance from the psychologist office to their home. I walk in the house and F shows me around. Then T comes down the stairs to meet me. I put out my hand to shake his (since I've never met him before and was hesitant about hugging him). He gave me a big hug. I just loved that. For me this was an act of appreciation but also it meant that he was trusting me with not only his baby but with his and his wife's hearts. They have gone through so much but they are once again opening their hearts and trusting me to do the best I can to help them with their dreams. Even though most of this is in the hands of God and there is not a whole lot I can do, I can still do my part and I am ready and so willing to do this for them.

We left and went to dinner at a Mexican food restaurant. They once again stole my heart when the suggested Mexican food. Yum! We sat and talked and joked like we were long time friends. It turns out that T is a lot like Travis. I think that the four of us will really get along well which will make things so much more fun. We came home from dinner and I sat and talked with F for a long time on the comfiest couch in the world. I can't wait for 3 days of bed rest on that.

I stayed the night and got up to more good conversation. I could have stayed there for a week, but I was needed at home. I enjoyed a delicious breakfast prepared with love by F and sat down to enjoy the rest of my time with T and F, knowing it would be another 3 to 5 weeks before I would see them again. I was sad to go but excited on the other hand to see my family. I made the 4-1/2 hour drive home thinking on my time there. It was so amazing which is why I am struggling through this.

I have talked to F for almost 2 months now but it was the very first time I had talked to T. He was so gracious in sharing his home and even his heart. I could see the love he has for his wife and he has so much more love to give a child. He is loving and warm and easy going. I am excited to see him as a father. They are rightfully reserved as I would be, but I am optimistic that this will be a very happy ending. Thank you for this amazing opportunity and for welcoming me into your lives.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Okay, so I'm procrastinating. I have a lot to do tonight to get ready to leave tomorrow but I just don't want to do any of it. I asked Travis what he wanted me to get done before I left and he said nothing. That was really loving in one aspect but a bad idea since I really will get nothing done.

I will try to do something at least.

I would love to be able to leave this house spotless. Have all the laundry done and meals made for when I'm gone. But really? That's not me. Instead I'll blog to try and remember today. The day before I get to meet the family who has changed my life forever. Tomorrow I get to hug the woman who's child I will be carrying, protecting and growing for 9 months. It is such a huge honor and responsibility to have their future growing inside of me. And I am so lucky to have God on my side. Every time I think of how babies are formed and grow I can't help but be amazed at God's work.

God formed each and every one of us in his image. He knew us all before we came to be. I am so excited to be a part of what he is doing for F and T. Being a part of helping them bring into this world the child(ren) God has for them and planned for them before they even dreamed of having them. His timing is perfect and if I can wait and be patient, it will be an amazing day when he will be glorified in the birth of this(these) child(ren).

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

So grateful for the sun

I was so grateful to wake up and see the sun. It has felt like so long and my spirit was fading.. fast. We had a wonderful time playing outside, soaking up the sun and just finding joy in the little things. I love the fact that my boys are fascinated by even the smallest things. Oh to have the innocence of a child. Here are some of the fun things we enjoyed.

Wearing rain boots.

And the other going barefoot.

Digging for worms.

Our treasures.

Going for a walk in the wagon.

Smelling flowers.

Finding little poky balls.

Jumping from brick to brick.

Once the boys went down for a nap I was able to get on the treadmill. Two miles (with only a small amount of walking). After the treadmill I took my Bible study outside to sit and let God's sun warm my body and His son speak to my heart. It was an amazing study about waiting on God. God just knows the perfect time to speak to us. As I am still waiting on testing to be complete I am learning to wait on God to show me the plans he has for me.