Monday, January 31, 2011

Cheerios saved the day

I guess I will start last Friday. I woke up with a new resolve to give the day to God. This was the day I was going to get the thumbs up or down from the doctor and I didn't want to be anxious about it. I was going to leave it in God's hands. Of course, that is where it is anyway, but I was going to let go. I was determined to find peace and patience in the midst of a racing heart.

Have you ever noticed on the days you are determined to have patience and find peace those are the days when things end up in shambles? This is when Cheerios saved my day. The kids were out of control. We haven't hardly seen the sun in days which means not much time outdoors. I think it was a breaking point for them. I was trying to stay busy doing laundry and cleaning so I wouldn't think and dwell on the upcoming phone call and of course, all they wanted to do was fight. So I pulled out the box of Cheerios and string and let them have at it. It just happened to be snack time as well. So we spent a good 20 to 30 minutes making Cheerios necklaces. For my children, that was a long time to sit and do one activity. I could breathe for a few minutes, and that is what I did. While their little fingers worked and in between counting I prayed. I prayed that it would be God's will and not mine and that if it wasn't meant to be I prayed that I would be okay with that.

Well, we made it through the morning and my sweet sister-in-law Kara came over to hang out with the boys while I waited for my phone call. The sun had finally come out just in time for their naps but Kara was kind enough to keep them outside. I am so uptight about them taking naps right at 1:00 but I talked myself into the fact that them playing outside in the sun was actually more beneficial for all rather than taking a nap right at 1:00. As 12:45 crept up my heart raced faster by the minute. Finally the phone rang. It was the physician's assistant telling me the doctor was just finishing up and would call me in about 5 minutes. Well, that 5 minutes turned into 30 minutes. But finally she called. She was so wonderful and kind and asked me questions about my history and made sure I knew what being a surrogate meant. By the end of the conversation I felt at ease. After two months of waiting, I was approved to be a surrogate. I thought that after I got the thumbs up I would be ecstatic. But I think the whole rush of emotions just drained me and knowing that I have more tests before I can officially be approved means more waiting. Luckily, they scheduled an appointment for me to come down and meet with the doctor and have a medical exam done along with a psych exam. I actually am going down this Friday (Feb 4th) to get everything taken care of. This means that if all comes back clear we could be starting meds in a week and a half to two weeks and doing the transfer as early as the end of February. It is all so surreal now that things are really moving along. I almost can't believe it. I am so excited to finally get to meet F and T in person. I feel like I have known F forever but to finally get to meet her is so exciting. Please pray for next Friday that I have a safe drive and that the tests go well.

The rest of the weekend was a little crazy. I really think the weather is getting to us all, along with the lack of sleep that the boys are getting. They are going to bed later and getting up earlier. We came to the decision to move them back into their own rooms. With everything that is coming up for us in the next month we felt the boys (and mommy and daddy) need to get as much rest as possible. There will come the day when it is right for them to share a room.

Here is my continued list. I love doing this list on a Monday. It helps me prepare my heart for the rest of the week to keep looking for things to be thankful for.

9. Cheerios

10. Sweatpants - I hate to admit this but I have spent the last 3 days in them.

11. Ladybugs - The boys found one and had to show me, now it is lost in the house.

12. The joy of a child over something so small

13. Sheet washing day

14. Lavender dryer sheets

15. Forts

16. Cool veggie pizza - ooo my favorite

17. Chocolate chip cookies

18. Love and Logic parenting - had to pull my book out to get back on track

19. Friends coming for dinner

20. The dishes being done right after dinner

Thursday, January 27, 2011

His Will Not Mine

Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for; the day when the doctor lets me know if I am officially approved to be a surrogate. Although this is an important step it is not the last in determining if my body is right to be a surrogate. As I have sat and thought about this moment for the last week it has come to my attention that I have been so wrong about my thinking.

I have just started a Bible study on the book of Nehemiah with a wonderful group of ladies. We are learning what it means to be restored, rebuilt and revived. Something that hit me last week was that we cannot be restored to Christ until we work on the distance that is between us and our God. I realized that this journey of my surrogacy has put distance between me and my heavenly father. Before I started this journey I prayed that I was making the right decision. I talked with godly women who gave me their opinions and their knowledge of the Bible and I even spoke with the pastor at the church I attend. I knew it was the right decision for me. So why now do I feel the distance when I know God's hand has guided this journey so far and everything that has happened so far?

When I first started I felt that God blessed me with the gift to carry children and that I should share my gift. I also knew that because I had such strict qualifications of the intended parents God would have to bring me the right family if this was meant to be. It did happen, and I found wonderful intended parents. Before I met them I was so ready and willing to give it all to God and let his will be done whatever that might be. But now it has turned into, my will be done. I want this so badly for F and T that I have tried to take back control. I have lost faith that the same God who created us will see this through. He loves and cares for F and T so much more than I do and I have to rest in the truth that He has this under control. I memorized the verse "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future." I thought this was so fitting. God knows the plans for myself, F and T and I need to trust that he will finish what he started. I need to let go of my control, my anxiety and my impatience and rest in the truth of his promises. May the glory be his and his alone.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Sounds of Sleepovers

Three nights ago we finally moved the boys into the same room. We wanted to do it the weekend before but we had sickness spread through the house so we figured waiting one more week would be best. So we waited until the weekend in case the boys did not sleep very well, we would have two of us to deal with cranky boys.

We put them to bed, walked out and held our breath. First night went perfectly. I could not have pictured a better night. They went to sleep right away and woke up together at 7:30 the next morning. Well, Sawyer woke up and wanted to talk to Hudson so he turned on the light. The next night we put them to bed and once again held our breath. Sawyer popped out of his room a few times but then went to sleep. The next morning Sawyer got up and quietly left the room without waking up Hudson.

We couldn't believe how good it was going and how quickly they were settling into sharing a room. Then, last night we put them to bed and walked out. Sawyer popped out a few times like the night before. We got him back into bed and left again. We then hear noise coming from their room. We stand out the door to hear them telling knock, knock jokes. They don't really know any knock, knock jokes so we hear them taking turns saying "knock, knock." After a few minutes I go into their room to check on them to find Sawyer in the crib with Hudson. He tells me that Hudson wants him to sleep with him. I knew that they wouldn't get any sleep if they stayed like that so once again I put Sawyer back to bed.

Shortly after we left their room that time we hear them laughing. You know that laugh that comes from deep in their bellies. It made me smile to hear them. It brought back memories of sleepovers when my best friend would come and visit. We would stay up all hours of the night laying in bed talking about our future and laughing until it hurt. I was also reminded of times when my mom would babysit a friend of mine. In the same room as my boys are in now, my friend and I would go to take a nap. We would spend the whole time throwing a ball back and forth and smothering our laughs in our pillows. Such fond memories and am so excited for the memories we are making as a family and the memories our boys are making. Bed time is once again creeping up on us. We will see how tonight goes.

Seeing, today is Monday I will start my list of 1000 things I am thankful for. Surely I can find 1000 things to be grateful for.

1. My awesome husband
2. My funny Sawyer man

3. My sweet Hudson

4. Belly laughs

5. Being able to hear those laughs

6. Early bedtimes

7. Memories of good friends

8. A playroom

Friday, January 21, 2011


I received a little bit of news today. It is small but we are going in the right direction. F called me a little after 6 and I was a bit shocked to see a call coming from her after 5 but it always brings a smile to my face to see her name pop up on my caller ID. She usually has news for me during the day when the doctor's office is open but she started with "I have a little bit of good news." I like when she starts that way. Especially today. I had been feeling a little down partly because of the weather (although we have been blessed with two sunny days in a row) and I don't even know the other reasons why I would feel down. I think everyone just has days like that.
So she tells me that the doctor received a few more pieces of information regarding my medical records today. Supposedly Kaiser cannot locate all of my records (that makes me feel good). But the doctor does not want to wait any longer for Kaiser to try to find them. We have waited almost 6 weeks and the doctor feels comfortable in what she has seen. She will be calling me on Monday to interview me regarding any unanswered questions she has and then will officially approve me to go ahead with the surrogacy. For some reason this doesn't make me feel relieved. I think I am just trying to be cautious and make sure all of my tests look good before I get my hopes too high. As many of you know me, I do tend to have really high expectations and the downfall doesn't feel so good. I'm of course already invested in the process and in this family and I would be very disappointed if things didn't work out but I don't feel like I can finally breath until I hear a heartbeat. I am so looking forward to that day.

I find it very fitting that the first song on my playlist is While I'm Waiting. I didn't intentionally put it there, I just thought of that song first when I was making it. I love that every time I log onto my blog I get to hear that song and I am reminded that I must still be serving the Lord while I'm waiting. You're welcome for the tangent.

Next step is to get interviewed on Monday. If she still feels I am a good surrogate appointments will be made for me to get a medical exam and a psych exam. I hope they don't find out in the psych exam I'm a little crazy. Maybe they'll grade on a curve. Once all of these are done and reviewed then I get to start on medication. Lucky for all of you who will get to be around me while I am on hormones. Then, when I am nice and ripe I will travel to where F and T live and the fun part begins. Can't wait to share more of our journey. Until next time...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Snow Day!

I'm a little late on this post but I wanted to share our day at the snow. Two Mondays ago, January 10th was the birthday of my niece Mollie Faith. Since she was born in January her mother Megan thought, what a better way to spend a birthday but in the snow eating cupcakes. We piled the kids in the car and drove.

I was quite apprehensive seeing that EVERY other trip we had taken with the three kids was filled with fighting, hitting and crying. But we were more prepared this time with more snacks and more activities (for our 45 minute drive).

On our way up to shaver Megan had remembered a place that she had gone back when Mollie was a baby. It wasn't as far and there might be a nice little place to play. After winding roads and the nausea creeping up we found it. We ignored the sign that said "No Trespassing" since she kind of knew someone who lived in the vicinity. We thought that didn't pertain to us. We unloaded the kids and had them sit on this perfect little bench that sat right in front of a lake to take pictures and sing happy birthday.

We enjoyed cupcakes and took pictures and then let the kids enjoy the snow. There were no other cars to race to find parking. No other people to fight for the perfect snow spot.

It was perfect! The sun was bright and kept us warm if you stood in the right spot, the snow was white and fresh. We made snow angels. Threw snowballs.

Tossed the snow in the air to pretend it was snowing.

It was a wonderful day to celebrate. How awesome is our God to bring such a beautiful miracle into this world 4 years ago and to give us such an amazing place that we can enjoy with our miracles.

Happy Birthday Mollie Faith. Auntie Joey loves you!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Holy Puke and Other Updates

If I never have to deal with throw-up again that would be to soon. Sawyer caught something and was throwing up all day yesterday. And trying to be ready with a bucket to catch it so you don't have to do ANOTHER load of laundry is almost impossible. On top of that, I was feeling terrible. Luckily, Super Dad was home and took care of the sickies all day. Hudson was such a trooper relaxing and watching movies with us. It was a long day!

On Friday we hosted our first dinner party with my brothers and their lovely ladies. It was so nice to have us all sit around the table together. Before we would all be sitting randomly around our house. We can actually fit 8 adults around our table now. It is a little cozy but we fit! When Sawyer and I were feeling sick the day after our dinner I thought for sure I had poisoned my dinner guests so I had to text my sister-in-laws to see if they were feeling bad too. Luckily they weren't. Whew! I had promised myself that once our kitchen was complete I would be a better hostess and start having more friends over for dinner. So now I need to fill my calendar.

Surrogacy Update: So after 4 weeks of waiting for news from the fertility clinic I got some news!! The news is.... I have to wait another 2 weeks for them to get the rest of my records. Supposedly, Kaiser had some of my records in a chart in Livermore and it would take 2 weeks for them to get mailed. Now why in the world they would have my records in different places is beyond me. Seriously, this patience thing is getting difficult. I think God gave us a sick bug so I wouldn't think about the surrogacy. It actually worked. I've been so busy taking care of Sawyer that I didn't have time to be anxious. God is funny like that.

Sorry this is random. Hope everyone had a good weekend. So grateful it is a three day weekend for our family.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sleep, please come

I tend to have a hard time falling asleep on Sundays. My mind seems to think that if I stay awake longer on Sunday then I can preserve the weekend just a little bit longer. And although it does give me a few more weekend hours, Monday still comes and I am just that much more tired to start the week.
Well, this Sunday, along with the last two Sundays have been even more difficult to sleep. The anxiety sneaks in as I lay awake wondering if the doctor will clear me to be a surrogate. It has been nearly 4 weeks since I sent my medical records to the fertility clinic waiting for her to let me know if I can be a surrogate. I know this is something I am really hoping for, but more so I sit and am anxious to find out if F and T are that much closer to their dream of being parents or if they have to start their search all over again. I want to be the one for them, but more so I want them to have the best chance possible. By the doctor reviewing my records she can determine if I am right and so, I will wait.
I know that God is teaching us all to be patient and to rest in Him. That we must be faithful in waiting for His plan in our lives and that when this miracle happens it is for His glory.

Good Night!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Here it is!

So here it is after 2-1/2 months of remodel. It is finally finished (well, at least functional). We still have minor touch-ups and decorating but I am so glad this part is over. Here some pictures from the beginning and through the process.

This is what it first looked like when we pulled up the Pergo and linoleum. Water damage all over the floor.

Thanks to Sawyer we have a picture of the before. We had a cabinet that hung out from the wall behind Travis' head that blocked the view from the sink area.

My handy hubby chipping away at the tile.

After we pulled off the horrible 40 year old tile.

With the grout gone. That was a job!

No dishwasher, stove top or oven, but we still had a sink.

Travis taking down the soffit.

So excited about new cabinets.

Silly Boys!

Our new range.

Our new pantry. We love it!

New countertops and dishwasher.

They came and floated the floor 2 days in a row to make it smooth. That was hard to keep the boys off of.

A new bench seat. Thanks Clay!
The colors are a little off on the walls. They are not lime green.

And here it is!

You can see we do need a little more work. But I am so happy with it.

Thank you to all who prayed for us from the insurance to finding the contractors and those who helped along the way. This was a very stressful 2-1/2 months for us but we have felt God's hand through the whole process. We found some amazing contractors and would definitely recommend them if anyone else is in the market. We hope to now have friends over for dinners and games once it is completely done. Now, time to learn how to cook.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A New Year

Today is the first day of a brand new year. Many people take time to look back over the past year and take inventory of the good and the bad and from that they make statements such as "That was bad year. I hope the next one will be better" or "That was a great year. I'm excited for what's to come." I was wondering why we do that. Why do we wait for one day a year to look back over the past year and why is it that one day a year we resolve to do better the next year? We should really be waking up every morning, being thankful for that day and resolving to do better that day. We don't even know if we have another year. We only have that one day for sure. So, I guess if I must make a resolution it will be to wake up everyday and be thankful for that day. Do better that day than the day before and with each new day resolve to be more like Christ. I will not wait for next year. Happy New Year!